John Gray on His Book, 'Why Mars and Venus Collide'
The author of 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus' explains how men and women manage stress differently and what they can do for stress relief.
The first time will seem really awkward, but [afterward] you need to say,
"Wow, that really helped. Thanks for listening." Then walk into the
other room, which eliminates the temptation for you to talk and the pressure
for him to comment. That gives him an experience of just listening. And if he
starts to say something, you say, "No, no, no, no! You don't have to say
anything. You don't have to fix it."
The third thing is, once [a woman has] been doing all this, to [then] start
asking him to do things for you in the domestic arena. Would you run this
errand for me? [Ask him for] little projects that are more than what he
normally does. But only when your stress levels are lower.
Q. What can men do?
A. The amygdala, the stress center of a man's brain, stimulates the
production of dopamine, which gives men energy. When you're talking about
problems, if he can't do anything about it, his energy levels start to drop.
Knowing that he's solving your problem of stress will keep his energy up
somewhat. But there's something that will keep his energy up even more, and
that's eye movement. The way the brain is designed in a man is that the
amygdala is hooked up to [both] the action center, which solves problems, and
the visual center, which is to look. That's why men are much more visual when
it comes to sexual attraction. Seeing new and different [things], seeing a
challenge, seeing femininity, [all] stimulate energy in his brain much more
than a woman's visual center. His whole fight-or-flight center is hooked to the
visual cortex of the brain.
So when she's talking, he needs to stay attentive with his eyes. He needs to
look into her eyes for a brief moment or two, then look to her cheeks, then
slightly look to her nose, then slightly look to her mouth, then take in her
whole face and her forehead. Then start over. The woman won't notice anything,
but if he can continue doing that -- slightly moving his eyes -- he's
selectively taking in more information from your face. It gives him something
to do with his brain. It's literally like taking caffeine.
Q. Is this the reason men always look around when women talk to
A. You hit it right on the nail. I'm doing my very best, let's say, to be
attentive to my wife and my three daughters. I'm in this restaurant and in my
view, off to the left, is a TV set. There is no way I can listen to them in
their conversation because that movement on the TV pulls my eyes and gives me
energy -- unless I'm practicing this technique.