Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Health & Sex

Font Size

He's Just Not That Into You!

Harsh words from the best-selling dating book may set single women free.
By
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

After a magical first date, Susan was so sure that she would hear from Stephen again that she even boasted to friends that she'd met "the one."

Two agonizing weeks later, she was shocked that she never did.

Recommended Related to Sex & Relationships

Kissing: The Hot Love Habit That Makes You Both Happier

By Ayana Byrd   Have you ever wondered why we kiss? It's actually a strange way to spend your time  lips smooshed together, breath (good or bad) mingling, and let's not even get into the tongue action. Yet we love it. We cheer when movie characters seal their happily-ever-afters with a smooch. A bodies-pressed-together kiss can make you remember why you adore the man who was annoying you just a minute ago. Why is that? "For some women, kissing is even more intimate than intercourse," says...

Read the Kissing: The Hot Love Habit That Makes You Both Happier article > >

"Maybe he got back together with his ex," one friend piped in. "Maybe he was too intimidated by you," another said. "Maybe you should call him," offered another. "Maybe he's gay," suggested yet another.

Or maybe ... he's just not that into you. Sure, these words sound harsh, but according to a best-selling new dating book, these six words can save women like Susan from a lifetime of heartache and stress.

Ever since talk show host Oprah Winfrey featured the book, He's Just Not That Into You, on an episode of the Oprah show, it's been flying off of book shelves and racing up the best-seller list. Its contents are discussed by single women and their dating friends everywhere. Written by former Sex and the City writer Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, this book debunks many of the myths that women create about men and dating.

The bottom line is that men are not complicated and there are no mixed messages. If he doesn't ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to come inside with you after a date, then he's just not that into you.

This new catchphrase actually started on an episode of Sex and the City when Miranda (played by actress Cynthia Nixon) tells her friends that her latest crush ended their last date with two kisses at her door but declined an invitation inside. His reason: He said he had an early morning appointment. Reasonable, said her friends, but then the only male at the table said ... "He's just not that into you."

The Truth Shall Set You Free?

"Coming up with reasons that he might not have called that are not critical of you is a natural defense mechanism," says New York City psychoanalyst Gail Saltz, MD, author of Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back.

Such defenses serve a positive and a negative function, she says. "They can keep us from being overwhelmed by negative emotions, but if you are always in denial and your head is in the sand, that's not useful either because it keeps you holding onto a relationship where there is none," she tells WebMD.

"Hearing the words 'he's not that into you' are painful because it's like 'what's wrong with me?'" she says. But, Saltz notes, it's not always that simple. "Sometimes there is something going on that is not about you," she says. "The possibilities are endless and this book is popular because usually we don't like to talk about the possibility that you are not the one."

The growth and popularity of Internet dating services may have fueled the need for such advice.

"The Internet and the emailing that goes on before the first date creates the illusion that you know the person and when they don't call you back, it seems more mystifying, but you really don't know each other at all," Saltz says.

Today on WebMD

flowers behind back
Article
Upset woman sitting on bed
Article
 
couple kissing
Article
Exercises for Better Sex
Video
 
Life Cycle of a Penis
Article
HIV Myth Facts
Slideshow
 
How Healthy is Your Sex Life
Quiz
Couple in bed
Video
 
6 Tips For Teens
Article
Close-up of young man
Article
 
screening tests for men
Slideshow
HPV Vaccine Future
Article