Love and Politics
Are political differences hurting your relationships? Learn to talk politics without pushing away the ones you love.
When Political Talk Sours: 5 Warning Signs continued...
1. Lack of Respect
When talking politics, you call each other names, roll your eyes, or make disparaging remarks.
2. Antagonistic Feelings
You begin to see your partner as an antagonist, rather than a teammate. You look for holes in your partner's arguments instead of trying to see his or her perspective.
3. Overuse of "But ..."
"'But' is a big eraser," Heitler explains. "It erases what was said before. If you're deleting what your partner says, that's problematic."
One of you withdraws or leaves the room whenever politics comes up.
Tension creeps into your everyday conversations and activities, even when you're not talking politics.
If these signs occur often, it could indicate troubles that run deeper than political differences. In this case, changing the subject is only a quick fix. Instead, couples should take a class or get counseling to enhance their communications skills, says Markman, who offers "Love Your Relationship" retreats.
7 Tips for Healthy Political Talk
Returning to the Hoffmans, Devjani says their "heated" talks aren't harmful for one important reason: "We genuinely care about each other's opinion and respect each other intellectually." Markman and Heitler agree this is the key to healthy political discussions. To maintain respect amid strong political differences, they recommend a few ground rules:
1. Aim to Share Ideas, Not to Change Minds
The goal of political discussions should be to comprehend each other's thinking, not to change each other's minds, Markman says. "Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and really understand where they're coming from."
2. Learn to Listen
Make sure your discussions aren't one-sided. Give your partner a chance to speak and try to learn something. Acknowledge that you understand his or her point even if you don't agree.
3. Focus on Common Concerns
Shared concerns can provide a sense of solidarity, even in "mixed marriages." "We all want fundamentally the same thing," says Kimberly Messer, a homemaker in Gulf Breeze, Fla. She's a Democrat, and her husband, Wilbert, is a Republican, yet both want "a strong economy, good jobs, great schools, security -- basically, a country we can feel good about."