Love in the Real World

By Joan Borysenko, PhD

He's irritating (you are, too). How to keep it blissful anyway

My high school sweetheart was the most interesting person I'd ever met. He'd spent several years in Europe and was multilingual, suave, and dashing. But I had trouble with a habit he'd picked up in his time abroad--that of bathing infrequently.

I became rabidly fixated on getting him to wash his hair more often and dress in familiar, lackluster American-style clothing. I wasn't subtle as I tried to extinguish the very uniqueness that had attracted me in the first place. I actually dragged him to the sink and washed his hair!

I'm a little wiser now. My husband, Gordon, and I celebrate and respect each other, including our idiosyncrasies. He knows I'm a workaholic who isn't always available to go for a walk or take in a movie. "That's my girl," he'll chuckle as I scurry around like a maniac--which makes me want to slow down and spend more time with him. And I know he can sometimes mull things over a little too long--but I love his depth and thoughtfulness.

Still, it can be hard not to nag or manipulate when there's something about your partner you want to change--and let's face it, every husband or lover has an irritating habit or two. Yet pushing and criticism don't work very well; you're more likely to foster anger and resistance than the improvement you're after. Fortunately, when you replace blame and judgment with acceptance, intimacy grows.

But if you want to stop trying to "fix" your partner, you're probably going to have to work on yourself: It won't do either of you any good for you to bite your tongue and simmer with resentment. Howard Markman, PhD, director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, has spent more than 30 years investigating what makes marriage work. One of his observations is that it doesn't take a major miracle to shift the dynamic of a relationship. A small adjustment in your own behavior can make a huge difference. So when you find yourself wishing you could change your partner, here are a few tips for transforming...yourself.

Laugh at Yourself

Just as I tried to do with my high school beau, women often unconsciously want to remake their partners into a version of themselves, says Loretta LaRoche, a humorist and stress-management expert who lectures at the Mind/Body Medical Institute of Boston. But the attempt is doomed--and a little crazy. So she uses humor to get people to examine what they're doing without making them defensive. She might ask a woman to imagine her burly mate in a dress, talking in a high-pitched voice. Does she really want him to be just like her? If the answer's no, she says, focus on appreciating the differences that brought you together to begin with.