Love Lessons: How to Break Up

By Susan Piver

It’s not easy to end a relationship. Our love expert shares a plan for getting through it.

Once I was in a relationship with the perfect man. He was cute. Funny. Had a great job. Our parents were friends. He made it clear that he was looking for something long-term. After a few months, he asked me to move in with him, and I did, leaving my yucky apartment for his beautiful house with leather couches and rosebushes. Friends started placing bets on when we would get engaged. Perfect, no?

No. Sadly, we had zero in common. It became obvious to me one night as we were eating dinner that we simply had nothing to talk about. The only sound in the room was his rather noisy breathing. "Why does he have to breathe so loud?" I wondered, and realized that this relationship didn't have much hope if his breathing drove me nuts. It was time to end it.

Once it a while we all decide to make some big life changes. We think of losing weight, doing yoga, learning to ski. But what about facing an even bigger issue, like—deep breath—the relationship that just isn't working anymore? If you know in your heart that it's time to make a clean break, there's usually only one good option: Be honest. But do it in a way that you won't have to duck into a doorway if you see him walking down the street a year from now. You might not feel comfortable running into him, but you'd feel the dignity of someone who did the best she could to own her truth. Here's how.

Set your intention

The secret to holding your own in difficult conversations is knowing what you're going to say and why. If your goal is to honor yourself and him, your words will come across that way. If it's to punish or hurt, those same words will land quite differently. So before you open your mouth, connect with your intention.

Remember the openness and longing for love—not the frustration or rage—that has led to your decision. It is easy to forget all of this once the conversation gets going, so bring a little on-the-spot reminder: Before you talk to him, pick out a bracelet or a ring that you don't wear often. Hold it in your hand, close your eyes, and imbue it with your heartfelt wish for real love. Then put it on. During the actual conversation, use it as a focusing tool; touch it whenever you feel that you are getting lost.

Do a dry run

Ask a girlfriend to rehearse with you until you're confident about what you'll say. Enlist her to be on-call by the phone in case you need to talk to her afterward.