Love Lessons: How to Break Up

Be direct and keep it uncomplicated

Start the discussion with a headline. For instance, "I want to talk to you about our relationship. It's really not working for me, and I want to explain why." Forget the small print. (You're not going to want to hear this," or "Did you hear that Bill and Cathy broke up? It made me think.") Don't feel you have to have it all figured out before you talk to him. Say what you feel directly and honestly—and without aggression.

Be genuine

It's totally okay to say, "Look, I have mixed feelings about this because I really love (value, admire, care for, like) you, but I think our relationship has become somewhat unhealthy. Instead of feeling charged up by being together, I feel depleted. I think I need to take a break." If, during the conversation, you become frightened, upset, loving, or angry, let it show. Be sensible; don't act phony. Authenticity engenders a more direct and honest communication.

Don't blame him

No matter how disappointing or frustrating his behavior may or may not have been, own your decision based on your feelings, not his actions. The truth is, your reactions may have been sparked by his actions, but ultimately the shape they take is completely your own doing. Keep the emphasis on I: "I'm not happy" or "I want different things from a relationship," as opposed to, "You don't make me happy" or "You just don't do it for me anymore."

Don't feel guilty

Go ahead and feel sad, remorseful, relieved, discombobulated, or uncomfortable, but don't feel ashamed. You have a right to your vision for your own life.

What you wish for yourself, also wish for him

No matter how angry, disappointed, or "over it" you may feel, genuinely wish for him to find true love after you part ways. It's the best way to remain focused on the positive reasons you're ending the relationship. Here's how: Take a moment to connect with your longing for love; really feel that ache in your chest. Imagine what it would be like if that ache dissolved because you were getting exactly the love you needed. Now take that feeling and extend it to include him. Imagine him also feeling loved and respected. And then, let go.

Don't know if your relationship is really working? To gain some clarity, answer the following questions. A few days later, go back and answer them again. As you reread your responses, see what patterns emerge. Then you'll know what actions, if any, you need to take.

+ Who has a higher opinion of the relationship, my friends or me?

+ When I imagine what our relationship will be like in 10 years, what I most look forward to is _______ and what I least look forward to is _______.