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6 Ways to Get in the Mood

How to break the no-sex rut and why it matters.

By Gina Shaw
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

You're both tired. The kids are light sleepers. You're not happy with your weight. You're stressed out over deadline pressures at work. There's no time.

There are many reasons why people in long-term relationships find themselves reaching for the pillow or the remote control instead of their partner's body after the sun goes down. But a healthy sex life is a key part of an intimate relationship, experts say, and neglecting it can push the two of you further apart.

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Problem No. 1: Same Old, Same Old

The Solution: Spice It Up

"When you're in a long-term relationship, you get into a routine," says Renee Horowitz, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist and founder of the Center for Sexual Wellness in Farmington Hills, Mich. "There's biological evidence that novel experiences cause the release of dopamine in the brain." (Dopamine is a chemical messenger that's connected to the pleasure center in your brain.) "That's why it's so much easier to get excited in a new relationship -- everything is novel and your brain responds accordingly."

Obviously, you can't switch partners every time the excitement wanes. Instead, change up some of the other factors. "Try a different place, a different time, a different position," Horowitz suggests. Have a morning quickie. Try sex in the shower, or on the kitchen island. (Clean up afterward.)

Problem No. 2: Too Much to Do, Too Tired

The Solution: Take a Romantic Break

All couples are tired at the end of a long day with many demands. By the time you get everyone to bed and deal with unavoidable chores, you just don't have the energy for a romantic evening.

It's time to change that.

"You have to prioritize what's important," says sex educator Sadie Allison, a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Her best-selling books include Ride ‘Em Cowgirl! and Tickle Your Fancy. "Tired as you might be, it's OK to just make it a quickie sometimes. Sex is so important to the overall health of your relationship."

Instead of waiting until just before you put out the lights, take a break for a romantic encounter beforethe evening's chores. "Make space and time where you can escape and get creative," Allison says. Even if that time is in your house (or car, or backyard). "Look, it isn't going to happen spontaneously," Allison says. "You have to find the time and make a date."

Problem No. 3: 'Who Are You?'

The Solution: Rediscover Each Other -- Without Pressure

If you haven't had sex for some time, a come-on from your partner can feel very artificial and forced. To sustain a healthy sexual relationship, it helps to reconnect in a non-sexual way, says Christina Steinorth, MFT, a psychotherapist in Santa Barbara, Calif.

"If you haven't had any kind of quality time together, you're not going to feel sexual," Steinorth says. "Schedule in time each week for date night. Not the old dinner and a movie thing, which seems like it's supposed to be a lead-in to sex, but a shared experience: biking, bowling, something silly. Plan a trip to the farmer's market and a stop for a cup of coffee every Sunday morning. Whatever it is, stick to it like you stick to the other obligations on your schedule. Let it become a habit, and you'll feel reconnected, and the desire will just grow from there."

Once you're reconnected in this way, a quick sexual encounter may regain its excitement. "When the relationship's alive like that, the 10-minute ‘let's sneak off and do it' quickie works great," Steinorth says. "It's like your little secret and helps further build the bond between you. But that bond has to be there in the first place."

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