Their bedroom was made for love, but not much love was being made. The satin comforter failed to inspire seduction, and the gleaming Jacuzzi was used strictly for soaking. This long-married pair had decorated their boudoir as a love-nest but rarely had sex.
Frustrated, they turned to Ruth Morehouse of the Marriage and Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colo., who found their story of sexual "blahness" not at all unusual. "Often, people don't like the sex they're having," says Morehouse, "and yet they do very little to explore what it would look like if they could have whatever they wanted. They have no idea what turns them on."
By Ellen Seidman
It's 8 a.m., and I'm caught up in the get-the-kids-to-school shuffle: shoes, breakfast, knapsacks, and no, you can't bring the vacuum cleaner for show-and-tell. Suddenly, I catch my husband giving me a funny look. "What?" I say, wondering if I have toothpaste on my cheek. "Do you know what today is?" Dave says with a wistful smile.
Um. Wait. Oops. Today is our ninth wedding anniversary. I knew it was coming up, but kid stuff had taken over my brain — signing up for swimming lessons,...
With Morehouse's encouragement, the couple brainstormed about erotically charged places or situations. Off they went with a blanket to an alpine meadow. There, they discovered that the risk of being seen by a passing hiker gave their sex a passion they hadn't felt in years.
By deliberately setting out to discover what turns them on, this couple took a step that experts say is key to a vibrant sex life: They charted their own map of erotic pleasures. Sexologists have found that each person's emotional and physical requirements for sexual arousal are extremely individual. People have quite specific styles of behavior during sexual activity.
A process that is both fun and informational, erotic "map-making" is especially important for women, Morehouse says, because some still believe that their role in bed is to follow a man's lead. In fact, if a woman becomes an expert on what she needs for her own sexual satisfaction, the relationship will benefit from the increase in energy and desire. "Think of yourself as an adventurer," she says. "You're exploring your erotic self."
If the numbers are accurate, sexual dissatisfaction is widespread in America, and many people could benefit from Morehouse's advice. According to a study published in the Feb. 10, 1999, issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, 43% of women and 31% of men studied reported sexual dysfunction, including lack of interest or pleasure in sex.
"It's hard to believe when you're hot to trot early in a relationship that it's not always going to be this way," says Bernie Zilbergeld, author of Better Than Ever: Sexuality at Mid-Life and Beyond. But often, he says, sex fades in frequency, intensity, or pleasure. "At some point you have to make a stand and say, 'OK, this is important to us, and here's what we're going to do about it,'" he says.