Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Before you walk down the aisle, ask the questions that really matter. Dr. Robin Smith shares 25 questions from her book, Lies at the Altar

Let's acknowledge that we live in an extremely status-oriented society, with emphasis placed on marrying a person with the "right" professional identity. How often have you heard people brag (or maybe you've bragged yourself) about a partner, saying, "He's a doctor" or "She's a model," as if status alone were enough to guarantee a good relationship. Unfortunately, you don't hear people bragging, "He's a kindergarten teacher" or "She's an administrative assistant at a not-for-profit organization in the Bronx." This is part of the problem. When we focus on status, we destroy any chance to live an authentic life with a partner who shares our values. These are the questions you really want answered:

Work Questions

• Are you working in your chosen profession?
• How many hours a week do you work?
• What is your dream job?
• What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
• What does your job entail? (For example: Do you often travel for business, work at home or perform dangerous tasks?)

Money is a loaded topic. Many couples stop talking at the point of "how much," assuming the rest will take care of itself. But questions about money will infuse themselves into every area of your life and show up on a daily basis. These are a few questions you should ask:

Money Questions

• What is your annual income?
• Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts?
• Do you have significant debts?
• Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
• How important is it for you to make a lot of money?

Men and women have different issues with owning their sexuality. For men, it is denying the significance of sex and not seeing the sacredness in the act. For women, it is more often ignorance and shame, not giving themselves permission to know what they need and then matching it with their behavior. In a conversation about your sexual expectations and fears, be sure to respect each other's boundaries. Your goal in asking these questions is not to pry into every detail of sexual history, but to open a conversation about the most intimate aspect of your relationship.