The Sex and the City ladies were feisty, gutsy. Our
Friends girlfriends had great ... friends. Thirty years ago, our
mentor was Mary Tyler Moore. In the 1960s, our guru was Helen Gurley Brown with
her liberating book, Sex and the Single Girl.
But medical studies show just the opposite -- that married people are
happier and healthier than single women. The pressure to marry is even greater
than ever, says Bella M. DePaulo, PhD, social psychologist at the University of
California, Santa Barbara, and author of the book Singled Out.
By Amy Finley
My husband was born and spent his childhood in France, and you could say that from the moment we met, living in Paris, and fell in love, he wooed me with words. He'd speak French — really, he could have been describing the laundry — and my knees would positively buckle. Amour...chérie...fromage...
And then, as so often happens, life intervened.
Back home in the States, the stresses just accumulated like cascading dominoes over five years of marriage: two small children +...
"It's an old-fashioned message, that you're better off if you find a
man," DePaulo tells WebMD. "It's this idea that you can be single, have
your big career and all your friends, but that's not the route to happiness,
it's not deep or meaningful like marriage is. That's ridiculous. The best
friendships often last longer than marriages ... you don't have ridiculous
expectations of your friends like you do a spouse."
Yes, those old, mopey stereotypes are still alive and kicking.
"The stereotypes that single women are either promiscuous or don't get
any are a scam," she says. "It's like if you're married, all you have
to do is roll over and have perfect sex. Anyone who reads the divorce columns
knows that's not true! Single women can now get sex outside of marriage. It's
probably quaint not to. Single women can even have kids without a husband, and
without having sex!"
DePaulo's favorite line: "Single women can pick up the check at work and
sperm at the bank."
The Happiness Bullet?
Marriage isn't a magic bullet for a wonderful life, says DePaulo. "But
it has that appeal that you will meet this person and everything falls into
place. Yet if you look to one person to be everything, it's not fair to that
person, not fair to you, and it's not healthy. And if the marriage doesn't
last, it's devastating."
One study tracking 1,000 couples for 15 years found that marriage brought
only a "tiny blip" of happiness during the brief time closest to the
wedding ceremony. "But on average, afterwards, people go back to way they
were before. The researcher's perspective is that we each have a baseline of
happiness, and marriage on average isn't going to change that -- except for
that little blip," DePaulo says.
In fact, most married vs. single "happiness studies" are seriously
flawed, she adds. "They lump all single people together - divorced,
widowed, always-single - without factoring in the transition period, the really
unnerving period in your life after divorce or becoming widowed," she tells
WebMD. "Over time, you go back to the person you were before. But studies
don't take that transition period into account."
Here's an eye-opener: In one survey, moms were asked what they most wanted
as a Mother's Day gift. "The overwhelming answer was 'time to myself.'
Women who have the dream -- marriage and kids -- just want time to
themselves," says DePaulo.