Want to dial down the unhealthy drama in your relationship? You can, once you know how to defuse blow-up arguments and unresolved feuds.
“Massive, all-out fights are bad for you. They make your heart race, cause stress, and can trigger issues like migraines,” says psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert. “On the other hand, learning to have good conversations keeps your relationship healthy.”
By Liz Welch
Anna is sitting in a New York café, sipping an English Breakfast tea. Dressed in patterned tights and a black sweaterdress, the 20-something Smith College grad has auburn curls and big brown eyes. Pretty? Yes. Sexy? Sure. Sex addict? No way. But she's currently being treated for sex addiction, seeing a therapist once a week and attending daily support groups, after an affair last year almost ruined her marriage and landed her in sex rehab. "I always knew I focused too much on...
Here are six ways to ensure your next argument has a good outcome.
Keep Calm and Carry On
If your blood’s boiling and you can barely remember what started your fight in the first place, call a time out.
“It’s next to impossible to be logical, let alone empathetic, in a heightened state,” Alpert says.
Pick the discussion back up when both of you feel levelheaded.If you can’t keep your voice down, you may not be ready to have the conversation.
Know Your Goal
Before you sit down to talk, Alpert recommends you ask yourself: "What do I want to accomplish here? Do I want to hurt my partner, or work toward a resolution?"
Focus on finding a positive solution from the get-go. That makes it more likely you’ll listen and stay thoughtful.
People who keep their angry feelings contained may be more likely to develop health conditions like high blood pressure.
Keep to Task
Keep your argument brief and on-point.
“Leave the past in the past. Don’t bring up all the prior problems related to the one you’re discussing. Instead, solve one thing at a time,” says psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD. “Keep statements to two or three sentences. That way, it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to dominate the conversation, and it will be easier for your partner to grasp what you’re saying.”
Know What You Need
Instead of criticizing your partner’s habits or values, be specific, Tessina says. For example, say, “It would mean a lot to me if you’d stop using your cell phone during dinner,” rather than, “I think you’re addicted to Facebook.”
Also, steer clear of words like "always" and "never." “Over-generalizing is upsetting and is usually also untrue,” Tessina says.