Suffocating in a Relationship?

Janet, a self-described "Martha Stewart type," was in her kitchen putting the finishing touches on the hors d'oeuvres for a dinner party when her husband Tom came in.* Janet barely looked up. As she was chopping carrots, Tom wrapped his arms around her from behind. Janet whirled around, grabbing Tom by the arms. "I love you, but you have to give me some space!" she snapped. "You need to back off!" Stunned, Tom stepped away. The next day, Tom pouted and withdrew and made sarcastic comments like, "I'm just giving you the space you need."

Space issues plague just about every couple at one time or another. For many, it's an ongoing source of contention. The most common sticking points are how much time to spend together, and how much physical affection feels right to each partner. But regardless of the details of the dispute, the same question is at the core of most of these conflicts: Where does the "us" end and the "I" begin? Experts agree that couples need to find a balance between togetherness and individuality.

Cut the Cord

Time apart can bring your togetherness new life. "Differentiation in marriage means that instead of two people paddling the same canoe, each person paddles their own, side by side," explains Wendy Allen, a Santa Barbara psychotherapist. Each partner should strive to be a whole, healthy individual who can make positive contributions to the marriage. And space, says Allen, "encourages the solid, cohesive sense of self in each person."

Physical and emotional space is a basic human need, explains Christopher Knippers, author of Cultivating Confidence. "But when two people assume all their needs are going to be fulfilled through each other, the relationship is set up for disappointment, and ultimately failure," he says. Having a variety of friends is a route toward developing—personally, socially, and spiritually. Participating in a variety of activities makes you well-rounded, and gives you more to talk about with your partner.

But how does striving for these ideals play out in real life? Negotiating time together and apart can be tricky business, triggering a host of negative feelings: rejection, insecurity, jealousy, mistrust, and resentment. Solutions come when couples recognize each other's needs and create workable compromises.

Choose Your Words

Get specific, be direct, use "I," not "you."

Explanations can go a long way toward a peaceful compromise. Reassure an anxious partner by making the issue as neutral as possible, advises Allen. "Say, 'This has nothing to do with you. It's just the way I'm made.' " Making alone-time a part of your routine can also help your partner feel less threatened. Knippers recommends first reiterating your commitment to the relationship, then explaining why you want more alone time.

Compromising about time can be difficult, but negotiating physical affection is touchier still. We expect some autonomy over our own personal space. And even if you love your partner, hugging, kissing, or other contact when you're not in the mood can feel intrusive rather than loving. "There's a fine line between being affectionate and being needy," cautions Kathryn Alice, author of the forthcoming Love Will Find You. "Neediness actually pushes people away."

If you're the less affectionate one, proceed with kindness, counsels Joseph Rydell, a psychotherapist in Brooklyn. "A gentle, direct approach is advisable. Constructive, noncritical communication is essential." It also helps to keep reminding yourself that the touch was intended with love, and not as an invasion.