Jenny Block often invites her best friend, Jemma, to join her, her husband,
and their 8-year-old daughter for dinner. "We might order Chinese and then
play Scrabble after dinner," Block says.
It all sounds very Middle America, until you know the rest of the story.
Although Block and her husband, Christopher (not his real name), have been
married for nearly 11 years, Jemma (not her real name) is Block's other love.
They regularly go out on "dates," although Block's daughter knows only
that Jemma is a family friend. And Block and her husband go out regularly, too.
Block is intimate with both of them.
By Keith Ablow, M.D.
Rekindling Passion For The Husband You Still Love
People sometimes tell me they know a couple married 20 years whose sex life
is still as good as it ever was. Here's what I tell them in return: "There
are only three possibilities. One: This couple is lying. Two: They are telling
the truth, because they didn't have good sex to begin with. Or three: Sex is
all they really have together. They never connected emotionally."
I've drawn that conclusion by listening...
For several years, Block has had an open marriage. "We're not
freaks," she tells WebMD. She simply couldn't get everything she needed --
sexually, physically, or emotionally -- from just her husband. So Block, who
says she is bisexual, broached the topic of open marriage with her husband.
Christopher agreed to the arrangement. He isn't pursuing another
relationship himself at this time, although he knows he is free to. "All
that's going on here is feeling open to loving other people," says Block,
37, whose book, Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, is due
out in June 2008. Limiting love, she says, doesn't seem normal to her.
The term "open marriage," coined by the late George and Nena O'Neill
in their 1972 book of the same name, has been expanded as more couples choose
to follow the concept without getting married. Another term to describe one
type of open relationship is polyamory -- literally, "multiple
Those who practice open relationships or polyamory often say they are
"hardwired" this way and that laying the ground rules for multiple
relationships spares everyone hurt and disappointment. Not everyone agrees,
with some therapists calling the polyamorous model a recipe for hurt,
disappointment, jealousy, and breakups. On one point all agree: a
"poly" relationship isn't going to work unless all partners are in
favor of the arrangement.
How Common Is Open Marriage?
The number of adults with open relationships -- be they formal marriages or
more informal arrangements -- is small. Probably about 4% to 9% of U.S. adults
have some sort of open arrangement, estimates Franklin Veaux, 41, an
Atlanta-based computer programmer and web site developer who also runs a
polyamory web site.
Others, including Steve Brody, PhD, a psychologist based in Cambria, Calif.,
put the number much lower. "It's got to be less than 1%," he says. He
has counseled thousands of couples in the past 30 years and has encountered
very few instances of open relationships among his patients.