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The Truth About Marriage: What No One Ever Tells You

6 things that surprise couples about marriage after they say 'I do.'

By Jen Uscher
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Marina Katz, MD

By the time you decide to get hitched, you may think you know your partner well. After all, you’re best friends who’ve agreed to spend the rest of your lives together.

But married life often turns out to be full of unexpected disappointments and joys.

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"People are surprised that even in this most intimate relationship, there’s a lot that needs to be discovered," says Kim Lundholm-Eades, MS, a marriage and family therapist and co-owner of CenterLife Counseling in Centerville, Minn. "There isn’t a... Spock mind meld that goes on between a couple just because they’ve gotten married."

Here’s what relationship researchers, marriage therapists, and married couples told WebMD about what winds up surprising people most after they tie the knot.

You need to sweat the small stuff.

"Many couples say that what surprised them most about their marriage is that they really have to address the little things that are irritating them, which is the opposite of what you hear in the media about letting the small stuff go," says Terri L. Orbuch, PhD, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great and a research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research.

For 24 years, Orbuch has followed 373 couples for a long-term study called the Early Years of Marriage Project. In interviews and questionnaires, the couples reported that small irritations -- like never loading the dishwasher or always being late to the movies -- became big issues if they didn't talk about it.

"It’s very important to talk about what’s irritating you in a nonthreatening way and to compromise," Orbuch tells WebMD. "Don’t let these things fester."

Your families matter more than you think.

Once you’ve had a few holiday meals with your future in-laws, you may feel that you know how to negotiate your relationship with them. But doing so can be surprisingly hard.

"The most difficult part of my marriage has been dealing with our families," Michelle, 31, a New York writer married for six years, tells WebMD in an email. She asked that her last name not be published.

"For example, my in-laws desired an instant closeness," Michelle says. "They want so much to treat me like the daughter they never had. But I feel like that would be a bit of a charade for me. Also, I think it may have hurt them at the beginning that I didn’t change my name."

But Michelle was pleasantly surprised by her husband's effect on her own family. “He acts as a buffer at family dinners and his presence makes everyone behave better,” she says. “My parents really like him and feel comfortable with him.”

Some people are most surprised by how much their marriage is like their parents' marriage.

"Couples often underestimate the role that each individual's family history plays," says Lundholm-Eades. "They vow that their marriage will be different from their parents’ marriage, and then are surprised and often horrified by the similarities. They may argue about finances, for instance, or make failed assumptions about the division of household chores -- just like their parents did," she says.

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