When He Drops a Bomb

By Nicole Blades

Funny thing about guys and secrets. They don't have many, but when they're harboring a juicy one--watch out. Here's how to stop a whopper from blowing up in your face

If "Let's be totally open with each other" is the party line of your relationship, be careful what you wish for. More often than not, coming clean creates a god-awful mess. To help you handle his next explosive confession, we asked experts for tips on how to put out the flames--none of which include screaming or smashing his iPod. Here's what to do when he tells you he…

…has herpes--and that's why you still haven't shtupped

This doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means. "When people hear STD, they think promiscuous," says Carole Marks, M.D., associate director of the department of family medicine at Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn. "But just one bad decision can lead to a lifetime of painful breakouts." You may be angry that he's been holding out on you, but remember that he's announcing his STD to try to save you from being exposed. And there's nothing easy about this confession. "He's probably terrified that you'll reject him," says marriage and family therapist Bethany Marshall, Ph.D., author of Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away. "He's feeling vulnerable, embarrassed, and possibly even ashamed." Don't demand that he spill his entire sexual history, but do ask him how and when the diagnosis was made--and whether he's been tested for other STDs. "Find out if he's on suppression therapy; Valtrex, a daily oral medication, in addition to using condoms, reduces the risk of transmission," Marks says. If he isn't, ask him to look into it for your sake. Be honest about how willing you are to risk getting the disease. "The fact that he has herpes is not necessarily a deal-breaker," Marshall says. "But you might want to delay having sex until you're sure the relationship is serious."

…wants to quit his job to "find himself"

Where, exactly, is he planning to look? "Ask him how he thinks this transitional phase will affect the relationship and how long he sees the transition lasting," says Nancy D. O'Reilly, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist based in Springfield, Missouri. "If he's vague about what he wants to achieve and how he plans to achieve it, be worried." Backing his resolve to seek a more fulfilled life doesn't mean giving him license to play with his Xbox 360 all day. Your honey should be able to soul-search and pull his weight at the same time, whether that means doing chores or getting a part-time job. If your combined income will drop significantly, "work together to create a practical plan for the immediate future that addresses your needs too," says Don Rosenthal, co-author of Learning to Love: From Conflict to Lasting Harmony. Come up with a budget that shows how your household will operate on less money and avoid sacrifices you'll resent him for later; if you need a monthly massage to stay sane, insist on it.