By Carrie Sloan
It’s the dirty little secret of baby-making: After nine long months, you’re overwhelmed by the love you feel for your newborn -- and shocked to find how much havoc that bundle of joy is wreaking in the bedroom. If you’re feeling less than lusty after having a baby, you’re not alone. “It’s completely normal for both women and men’s libido to hit a rock-bottom low during the first six to nine months following the birth of your baby,” says L.A. ob-gyn Sheryl Ross, MD.
But it's no myth that women often want the same thing out of relationships as men do; they just go about getting it in different ways and in different phases of their lives, says Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD. She should know: as co-founder and clinical director of the Gottman Institute, she focuses on helping couples build and maintain healthy relationships. "There's kind of a developmental process to relationships that in some ways parallels that of the individual, and then calls on different things from partners in relationships throughout a lifetime," Gottman tells WebMD.
Gottman says that what each woman needs, wants, and expects from her marriage or intimate relationship may change from one phase of her life to the next. Yet there are tips that help couples in all phases of life. So let's start with those:
Make time for conversations where you find out what your partner has experienced lately.
Express fondness, appreciation, and admiration for your partner often.
Acknowledge your partners interests, even in small moments.
Avoid the "Four Horsemen" of Marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness (which follows criticism and contempt), and stonewalling (that is, when one partner completely shuts down and refuses to respond).
As the song says, "You got to have friends." Research shows that in the 20s, women and men alike need solid friendships from their partners, as well as ways to manage conflict when disagreements occur.
And did we mention good sex?
"What colors this period, at least at this time in history, is that both men and women in their 20s are forming careers or moving forward into their work paths, and there's a lot of stress in that process," Gottman says.
Let's imagine Alice A, a 20-something newly married to Bob B and just setting out on her career. To begin with, unless she or hubby has a fat trust fund to live off, Alice is probably going to have to embark on her career straight out of school.