6 Ways to Get in the Mood
How to break the no-sex rut and why it matters.
Problem No. 3: 'Who Are You?'
The Solution: Rediscover Each Other -- Without Pressure
If you haven't had sex for some time, a come-on from your partner can feel very artificial and forced. It helps to reconnect in a non-sexual way first, says psychotherapist Christina Steinorth. "If you haven't had any kind of quality time together, you're not going to feel sexual," she says.
Steinorth says it’s important to mix it up: Forgo the old “dinner and a movie” cliché in favor of something new, and make it a priority on your calendar. "Schedule time each week for date night. [Try a] shared experience: biking, bowling, something silly. Plan a trip to the farmer's market and a stop for a cup of coffee every Sunday morning. Let it become a habit," Steinorth says, "and you'll feel reconnected. The desire will just grow from there."
A quick sexual encounter may regain its excitement once you’ve reconnected. "When the relationship's alive like that, the 10-minute ‘let's sneak off and do it' quickie works great," Steinorth says. "It's like your little secret and helps further build the bond between you. But that bond has to be there in the first place."
Problem No. 4: You Don't Like Your Body
The Solution: Focus on What You Do Like
Many of us have things we'd like to change about our bodies. Maybe you never lost the babyweight, or you're not happy with how you've stopped going to the gym.
"Ultimately, low self-image comes down to not being in love with yourself," Allison says. "And if you don't love yourself, you're not going to share yourself with someone else. Short of therapy for poor self-esteem, you can try finding things about yourself that you do like and focus on those sexually."
Or focus on your partner's body instead of your own. "What do you love about the person you're with? What about his or her body arouses you?" Allison asks. That way you can shift the focus from your own insecurities to what makes being together fun.