Taking Care of You

Staying Balanced, Staying Strong

Don't neglect your own needs. Remember those airplane safety movies that instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first, before assisting a child or someone else who needs help? The logic is that you won't be much help to anyone else if you're disoriented or passed out yourself, and it applies to a lot of areas in life.

If you're a control freak, this is a good time to work on changing your ways. Take advantage of all offers to help you in caring for your senior. Remember that the value here is not only to you but also to the giver, who becomes empowered and will therefore be more involved in the long run.

If support groups aren't your style, consider seeking therapy or counseling to preserve your own emotional and mental well-being. If you work outside your home, check to see if your employer provides support and counseling for these issues-some of the large companies do.

Always keep your own limitations in mind. You can help your loved ones; you cannot save their lives. Remember what your role really is.

Delegate responsibilities when possible. You can't do it all. Involve other family members, volunteers, and professional help.

Join a support group for caregivers. Your local Area Agency on Aging, senior centers, and Eldercare Locator (1-800-677-1116) will all have information on groups in your area. Some may specifically address issues that you're dealing with, such as Alzheimer's.

Check out one of the many online communities for caregivers of the elderly. Many have forums, message boards, and chat rooms that serve as virtual support groups.

If you're an adult child, check to see if Children of Aging Parents (CAPS), a peer group providing information and support, has a chapter in your area. Call 1-800-227-7294 or visit caps4caregivers.org.

Avoid comparing yourself to other caregivers. Since you're looking from the outside, it's all too easy to focus on their strengths while being painfully aware of all of your own imperfections.

Understand that it's normal to sometimes feel angry or resentful toward your loved one and to have unkind thoughts about her. Try not to feel guilty about such thoughts. After all, thoughts are just thoughts-it's what you do that counts.

Practice stress-reduction techniques such as yoga, meditation, and deep breathing. Even fifteen minutes every morning can make a difference. Total Relaxation: Healing Practices for Body, Mind & Spirit, by John Harvey, provides clear and simple instruction, including a CD to guide you through.

If you're feeling guilty or self-critical, try imagining a caring friend whom you admire in your same position. Would you think she'd deserve such criticism? What would you say to her to help her get a better perspective?

Explain to your friends what you are going through; let them know you need their patience. The ones who don't understand are not really your friends-don't waste your time feeling guilty about them.

Alcohol may seem like a good temporary comfort for the burden you have as a caregiver, and it's fairly common for caregivers to develop problems with alcohol-be careful not to overdo it. Try taking a walk or a bath, listening to music, or talking to someone instead.

Make a commitment to doing at least one special thing just for you every week and stick to it .

If friends or other family members offer to help, give them a choice of specific things they can do for you.

Your role as a caregiver is important, but don't let it take over your identity. Remember that you are still a wife (or husband), a friend, an animal lover, a film buff . . . and act accordingly.

Learn to let things go. Does your own house really need to be that clean? Can you get someone else to do Thanksgiving dinner this year? Do you really have to have the curtains washed that often?

If you absolutely can't leave your parent and you need a break, can you take a vacation together? Consider bringing along another per-son for sitting and relieving you so you can have some time for yourself.

Practice your faith. Use the extensive support-spiritual, practical, and emotional-provided by your religious community.

Instead of feeling guilty about things you can't do, ask yourself what you can do now.

When your role as a caregiver comes to an end, consider volunteering and using your new skills to help others.

Steps for Caregivers

By Carol J. Farran, D.N.Sc., R.N., and Eleanora Keane-Hagerty, M.A.

Final Words

One of the most rewarding things about being a caregiver-on any level-is the lessons to which we are constantly treated. We hope that's something you can celebrate.

Just as important are the teachers who offer us these lessons. Know that while you may be a student at this stage of your life, as time passes, you are likely to become the voice of experience. We urge you to share your stories and thoughts about elder care with people around you. Your friends and acquaintances may not always want to hear every detail of your ordeal, but ingenious solutions and useful ideas empower us all and help elevate the quality of elder care that we expect for our loved ones and, ultimately, for ourselves.

If you would like to contribute tips or ideas for future volumes of this book, please send snail mail to us at:
The Caregiver's Essential Handbook
Box 74
Haworth, NJ 07641

Reviewed by Celia E. Dominguez M.D. WebMD, January 2008.