Getting Started

Where to Begin?

It's time to start thinking of yourself as a caregiver when the following types of events occur:

• A major health problem, or a collection of smaller ones, is starting to cramp your mother's style.
  
  
• Financial problems (overdrawn checks, unpaid bills, huge credit balances) start cropping up.
  
  
• Grandpa doesn't get out as much as he used to and seems less interested in what's going on around him.
  
  
• Home maintenance is slipping: things that break around your parents house are not repaired.
  
  
• Your parents, lawn or garden, once meticulous, becomes overgrown.
  
  
• Dad's refrigerator is poorly stocked, or food that is past its prime still hangs around.
  
  
• Your grandfather just passed away, and your grandmother is living alone for the first time in forty years.
  
  
• Your father doesn't dress as spiffily as he used to and has stopped shaving and doing other personal care rituals.
  
  
• Mom has a fender bender at the mall for the second time this year.
  
  
• Dad seems distracted or forgetful when you speak to him on the phone.
  
  
• You've figured out that helping the senior in your life now, even when there are no clear problems, might help prevent trouble later.
  
  

Get online if you're not there already. There is a wealth of helpful information for seniors and caregivers on the Internet. If you can introduce your parents to the Internet, that's great. If you can't, let them watch as you surf just so they can get a feel for the help that's out there. If you're not computer literate or you don't own a computer, go to the library and arrange to take lessons if you can-most public libraries offer Internet access these days. Don't cut yourself off from the world of help that's out there for you. Don't storm the gates at the first sign of trouble. If you feel you should get more involved in your mother's life, do it as gradually and respectfully as possible. Remember that if you're really trying to help, you'll do a lot better if you don't alienate or overwhelm her.

Define your responsibilities as a caregiver. Make a list. Set up guide-lines for what you will and won't do. Put it in writing and stick to it. If other family members can't help, make a decision to hire someone to perform the duties you can't or would rather not handle.

Make sure your senior joins AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons). Anyone age fifty or older is eligible. For $12.50 a year, members get tons of discounts on everything from prescriptions to travel, plus a subscription to the AARP magazine Modern Maturity. Call 1-800-424-3410 or visit aarp.org. (And if you are fifty or older, why not join, too?)

Although many seniors programs are federally funded, the best way to contact them is through your local Area Agency on Aging. There is one in your community, even if you're not aware of it. These offices will connect you with a host of services available in your area, including transportation, senior day care programs, senior residences, meal delivery, home care, legal assistance, and just about anything else you can think of (and plenty that you haven't!). You can locate your local agency by calling 1-800-677-1116 or visiting n4a.org.

Get your father hooked into the local senior center. These centers provide transportation services, classes, information, recreation, and the chance to make new friends. Offer to go with him the first few times to help put him at ease. It's not all-or-nothing. Even if you are not making regular use of the local senior center, people there are still available to answer questions or provide resources. And if your senior only wants to visit the center occasionally, even if it's just for lunch, you're still welcome there.

If your mother is too young (or young at heart) to feel that she needs a senior center's services, a senior center would probably love her help as a volunteer. That way she'll already have a connection to the center further along the line when she starts to need help.

Introduce all new changes in your parents' lives as positives: "Now you won't have to worry about weeding the garden" or "You'll be able to get so much more done now that Jenny is taking care of the cooking."

Don't order; instead, ask. Bad idea: "The house is a wreck! I'm coming over tomorrow to set things straight!" Better idea: "It seems like one or two things need fixing. Would tomorrow be a good time for me to come over and help you take care of them?"

Whenever considering any programs, groups, or services for your mother, check them out on your own first. If a particular place or service doesn't seem right for Mom, you can avoid having one bad experience turn her off.

Make contact with a competent geriatric caseworker. You can con-tact such professionals through local senior centers or your doctor. Geriatric caseworkers are specially trained to deal with everything from financial and insurance issues to home health care, day care facilities, and volunteer groups that can help you. They're also able to evaluate what your senior's specific needs are. A geriatric case-worker will be an invaluable resource for you; no wonder this is one of the fastest-growing areas of social work.

Make sure your loved one is receiving all the medical and financial benefits available to him. Communicate with providers often to keep them updated and let them know that your loved one is not easy prey for the bureaucracy-he has you on his side!

If your parent served in the military, the Department of Veterans Affairs provides a host of resources, including primary medical care, hospitalization, mental health services, home health care, and nursing home care. But your loved one must first enroll! For more information about benefits, contact your local veterans office. Look under "Government Offices-Veterans Affairs" in the Yellow Pages.

Don't let yourself get overwhelmed by anything-transportation issues, meals, even household chores without first checking with your local church or other religious or community groups, which often provide these services for the elderly. There are good souls out there-angels, actually!-who want to help. Let them.

Know your neighborhood options: senior day programs, home health aides, assisted living, group living, senior foster care, temporary nursing home care, and so forth. Network! Network! Network!

Give yourself recognition for what you do.

You can accomplish a lot over the phone-but you have to be willing to spend half a day on hold. Be patient! The hold time might go by faster if you fortify yourself with a good book, a crossword puzzle, or some knitting.

Find out if you are eligible for any sort of free or reimbursed home (or other respite) care, whether it's a nursing service or companionship just for a few hours a week. These services must be pre-scribed by a physician if they are to be reimbursed. If the doctor doesn't suggest this sort of care, don't be shy about raising the subject. He may not be aware of your senior's day-to-day situation.

Keep everyone in the family informed as to how your loved ones are getting along. The earlier you involve family members in their care, the more involved and motivated everyone will feel. Even if it's easier for you to do something yourself than it is to suffer through phone calls with relatives you may not get along with, take the time (and patience) to make the connection. You'll need a team at some time, even if you haven't yet reached that point.

The Family and Medical Leave Act allows you to take an unpaid leave from your job to care for a family member in need. You must have worked at least 1,250 hours over the past twelve months to be eligible, and you may take up to twelve weeks a year. To find out more, visit dol.gov/dol/esa/whd/fmla.

Always have a Plan B.

Learn as you go; don't try to do everything all at once. Avoid information overload.

Take a seminar in caregiving. Such seminars are often offered through your local Red Cross or Area Agency on Aging (AAA). The National Association of Area Agencies on Aging can put you in touch with the AAA in your neighborhood (see Resources). You can also find a free online class called "Caring for an Aging Parent" at thirdage.com.