End Your Nagging Habit
By Sarah Mahoney
How to quit nitpicking
It's not even noon on a Sunday, and I've been biting my tongue all morning.
When my husband sat down to Web surf two hours ago, I resisted the urge to
remind him that he had promised to clean the basement. I held my tongue again
when our 13-year-old trashed the kitchen while creating his "it's due
tomorrow!" science project. And I even managed to stifle myself when my
teenage daughter left a plate in the sink instead of reaching 18 inches farther
to put it in the dishwasher.
I want to stop nagging, but with family members so resistant to constructive
criticism, it's hard for me to shut up. Instead, I lash out at someone who
can't talk back — the geriatric mutt snoring on the sofa. "For the
millionth time," I order, "get down! No dogs on the couch!" She
looks up and yawns.
I'm not the only woman who's guilty of repeating herself again and again
(and again). A University of Florida study found that the culprits in
two-thirds of family nagging episodes were women (who are also the ones most
invested in keeping the house clean — coincidence?). To be fair, researchers
noted that one reason women are labeled naggers is mere nomenclature — when men
nag, we call it hounding; when kids do it, we say, "Stop
"To women, nagging feels like the most logical thing in the world,"
says Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., author of Divorce Busting. "We
think, If someone isn't doing what I asked, they must not have heard me. So we
say it again. And then we say it louder."
Once we realize we're being ignored, we tend to take real offense, as if our
kids and spouse are scheming to stick us with the laundry forever. When they
finally do tackle a load, we're way past thanking them — we just get nasty,
muttering remarks like, "Took you long enough!" And that kind of
negative reinforcement rarely inspires better behavior.
So what does work? "Whether you're dealing with an earthworm or a
Harvard grad, the science of learning is exactly the same," says Ken
Ramirez, who has trained hundreds of unruly critters, from whales to workers,
at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium. "As long as you always stay positive, you can
change behavior." Here, Ramirez and other experts explain how to bring out
the best in your family — without ever saying "Didn't I just tell you