When Desire Dies: Bringing Your Sex Drive Back to Life
WebMD asked top sex experts to explain what happened to your libido and what you can do to get lovemaking back on track.
Finding Your Sex Drive Again continued...
Indeed, she says, most often it's not the catastrophic divorce-level problems that are standing in the way, but rather a compilation of small but very "fixable" issues that have just piled up over time.
"If you feel neglected, or taken for granted, if you're angry because he spends more free time with his brothers than with you, if you think that the only time he's nice to you is when he wants sex, these are often the kind of thoughts that eat away at a woman's sexual desire," says Sadock.
Amaru agrees and adds, "When I finally get patients to open up about what is bothering them, I often find they are simply overloaded in their life -- too much work, too many responsibilities, too much on their shoulders, with too little help and acknowledgement from their partners."
If, in fact, you can identify feelings of resentment or even anger, the next step is to talk to your partner -- but not in an accusatory way.
Experts say avoid phrases like "You make me feel lousy" or "You turn me off when you ... ." Instead, start by assuring your partner that you find him attractive and let him know this is about rekindling the great sex life you once had together.
"Few men can resist the opportunity to rev up their partner's sex drive," says Sadock.
Now that you've got his attention, let him know how much his affections matter to you and how sexy you feel when he tells you're pretty or shows his appreciation for the little things you do.
"Let him know that you need to feel he cares for and appreciates you all the time -- not just when he wants sex," says Sadock.
Also important: Spend time together alone away from the kids, the phone, the computer, the TV, even for just 20 minutes a day. The goal, says Sadock, is to relate to each other as man and woman -- not just mommy and daddy, or even husband and wife.
One of the sexiest things you can do, she says, is make a date for lunch. "It's an interruption of the business day, and it takes real effort to put other things aside even if you're just going for a pizza, it can be a powerful turn on for the both of you."