Don’t Let Shyness Stand in the Way of Social Ties

Medically Reviewed by Melinda Ratini, MS, DO on April 20, 2016

Bashful, timid, quiet.

If anyone you know has used these terms to describe you, you're probably a bit shy. Everyone feels that way once in a while. Shyness and social anxiety are common, no matter how old you are.

But if they’re stopping you from making connections you want to make, it's time to make a change.

"If you are saying 'I wish I would have' or 'I'm sorry I didn't,' those are statements that tell you are missing out on things," says Patricia Farrell, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. "You can overcome shyness. It won't be that easy at first, but it's just like anything else, it gets easier as you go along."

Breaking Out of Your Shell

Kelly Sullivan is proof you can conquer shyness. Since elementary school, "painful horrible shyness" gripped her life. She feared speaking.  In her teen years, she'd befriend the most outgoing person she could find to speak and act out for her, so she could remain quiet.

Then one day, she faced her anxieties head-on.

“I moved to a city on the other side of the country without knowing a soul,” Sullivan says. “I think part of me realized this was the only way to force myself to stand on my own in order to conquer my fear of people and fear of speaking and voicing my opinions.”

Interestingly, her love of reading and writing, which was her coping mechanism in her younger years, led her to teach.

"Books were always my escape when I felt shy. [It] caused me to want to teach others the same way to communicate. One thing led to another, and I became a middle school teacher," she says. "The first year I taught I shook so badly during open house and when meeting the kids."

How Shyness Hurts Your Health

People who are shy are slow to warm up and a little reluctant to engage. They can get anxious when they talk to someone new. Sometimes, their bashful personality comes across -- mistakenly -- as unfriendly. That can make it tough to grow their circle.

And social connections are the heart and soul of our livelihoods.

"We know that there are health benefits to not only having a strong social support network, but also feeling like you have one," says Thomas L. Rodebaugh, PhD, an an associate professor of psychology at Washington University in St. Louis.  "We don't know how this works exactly, but the evidence is overwhelming: Friends are an important part of 'the good life.'"

Feeling socially disconnected is bad for your health. Shyness -- or anything that keeps you isolated -- can amp up your stress and anxiety. This can lead to things like:

  • Inflammation
  • Immune system problems
  • Depression
  • Heart disease
  • High blood pressure
  • Slower healing

Tips to Overcome Shyness

Learning how to tame timidness and make stronger social ties can up your self-esteem and reduce your stress. These pointers can get you started:

Figure out whether you’re shy or anxious: Shyness is a personality trait. Anxiety is a medical condition.  "Someone who is shy might be anxious talking to someone new, but the anxiety goes away pretty quickly as they get to know other people,” Rodebaugh says.  In the case of social anxiety, it may rarely decrease.

Call your doctor if you worry for weeks before an event or have a lot of apprehension that doesn't go away. Anxiety disorders can be treated.

Just breathe: Relaxation breathing is a great way to calm your nerves before an event. "It is self-soothing and no one will know you are doing it," Farrell says.

It also cuts down on production of cortisol, often called “the stress hormone.”

Do relaxation breathing any time you start to feel shy or anxious: Take a deep breath in, and hold for 4-5 seconds. Then breathe out through the mouth. Repeat this five times. While you do it, keep your mind on relaxing different parts of your body. Don’t think about anything else.

Practice small talk with a stranger: Say hello to a person on the bus or running the toll booth. Talk about the weather. Don't worry if it doesn't go well. The most important thing is to say "I can do this," and practice.

"Do your best to see conversations as experiments," Rodebaugh says. "Learn how you like interacting with different people and how they react to you. In science, we do experiments many times to make sure we really understand what's going on. It's the same here."

Remember that conversations start with a few simple words.

"Small talk seems small, but lots of small talk with the same person is often the start of a friendship," Rodebaugh says.

Share your apprehension: When Sullivan first started teaching, she found support in the simplest of ways: by just telling people she was nervous.

“I have found this to be extremely helpful in situations. Most people are [nervous] and will understand when you tell them this."

Go back to school, for fun: Begin low-level networking with a casual and nonthreatening group of people. Farrell recommends signing up for a fun class. Try finger painting, learn woodworking, or go bird watching.

"The idea is to get in with a group of people with a common interest," she says. "In these groups, the focus is not on you, it's on the topic you are dealing with. That becomes a very easy thing to talk about and builds your confidence level."

Take note: Have an interview or presentation coming up? Carry a pen and paper and don't be afraid to refer to your notes. Everyone does this, so it won't look unusual. Notes help you keep track and stay on target. "You don't get in a car and never use a road map," Farrell says. "Think of your notes as your mental road map."

Never ask why: This word can be a conversation buzzkill. Asking why can put a person on the defensive and steer the conversation in a direction you don't want. "Any time you want to ask a why question, turn it around first in your head. Instead say something like, "Help me to understand how you did this," Farrell suggests.

Stop talking and just listen: You might think this doesn’t make sense. But it's actually a great way to become engaged in a conversation. Let others talk about themselves, then ask simple questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no.

"This is your beginning. This is the opening of a door to an adventure," Farrell says. "You have the key for that door; you just have to learn how to use it."

Smile, no matter what: "Every smile requires that you use an enormous number of muscles in your head and face, and that calms you down," Farrell explains. "Smiles change the way you feel about yourself and what you are doing."

Get offline and go out: Social media has helped many shy people connect with others. But Farrell says the Internet helps people maintain social isolation  and fears of going out. Face-to-face contact is the key to building long-lasting social ties that help break the habit of shyness. 

"The Internet is a wonderful thing, but it is too artificial. And you never know if who you are conversing with online is genuine. This can lead to some very uncomfortable and, in fact, dangerous situations," Farrell says. "It's better to go out and do something engaging with a group in person."

Show Sources


Thomas L. Rodebaugh PhD, associate professor of psychology, Washington University in St Louis.

Patricia Farrell, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist; author, How to Be Your Own Therapist: A Step-by-Step Guide to Building a Competent, Confident Life.

Kelly Sullivan, Atlanta.

American Psychological Association: "Shyness."

American Psychological Association:  "Painful Shyness in Children and Adults." 

Social Anxiety Institute: "Shyness... Or Social Anxiety Disorder?"

American Psychological Association: "Born Bashful."

Umberson, D. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 2010.

National Institute of Mental Health: "Anxiety Disorders."

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