Friends fill different parts of your heart. You have Christmas card friends -- the ones you touch base with once a year. Then there are the cheerleaders who’ll drop everything and throw you a personal pep rally. And all the mom friends, work pals, and friends of friends in between.

You’re on the same page with them in so many ways. But when you have advanced breast cancer, there are big parts of your life they may not understand if they haven’t been there themselves.

It helps to know what your friends may be thinking so you can put their mind at ease.

How Did This Happen?

Pam Kohl knows this disease inside and out. Seven years after a breast cancer diagnosis, lumpectomy, and radiation, a routine mammogram showed a suspicious area in the same breast. After a mastectomy and PET scan, Kohl’s doctors discovered the cancer had spread to a lymph node near her lung.

“One of the most important things my friends want to know is why and how did this happen,” says Kohl, who’s now the executive director of Susan G. Komen, North Carolina Triangle to the Coast. “I had such a great prognosis 7 years ago. After the recurrence and mastectomy, they assumed everything would be OK again. It’s not a linear process, unfortunately, and it’s definitely not black and white.”

You Don’t Seem to Be Yourself

You’re still you. But on top of the cancer and the emotions you may be feeling, some of the medicines that you take may have side effects. 

“They can make you feel crazy, moody, and not yourself,” says Dana Dinerman, a San Diego mother and founder of Hulabelle breast reconstruction and mastectomy swimwear. “It’s good to tell people, ‘I’m on these new drugs and I don’t know how they’re going to make me feel. Have some patience with me as I figure this out.’ ” 

Why Did You Cancel Our Plans?

You felt fine a few days ago, when you agreed to dinner. But when the time came, you were too exhausted, so you backed out.

“Friends don’t understand that you’re living moment to moment,” Dinerman says. “They’ll say, ‘Gosh, you look really good,’ then get confused when I cancel a party invite because I’m hurting from chemo,” she says. “They think I’m doing OK, but they don’t see the whole process.”

Do You Want to Talk About It?

The truth is, not always. You’re a lot more than your breast cancer. Sometimes you need a break from the topic.

When Kohl wants to talk about her cancer, she tells her friend she wants to schedule a “schmooze, when we need go a little deeper,” she says.

“If I run into them at lunch, I’m not necessarily going to want to go there,” Kohl says. “I just may want to talk about my kids or the last movie I saw. And how I definitely don’t need any more casseroles.”

What Can I Do?

Your friends want to help but don’t know what you need. They may make a general offer, like Let me know if you need anything. This is an open door. If you need something, go ahead and get specific.

“I have treatment on Thursday, and by Saturday I’m so tired I can’t cook. Can you bring me dinner on Saturday night?” says Susan Brown, a registered nurse and senior director of health education for Susan G. Komen. She finds online calendar tools to be a great way to manage that. Or you can say something like, “My child has baseball practice on Thursdays and it’s tough for me to make it. Can you take him?” she says.

How Can I Talk About My Problems When You’re Dealing With Cancer?

Just after Dinerman’s cancer came back for a second time, a close friend confided about marriage problems. It was a dark time for both women, but for Dinerman, being able to focus on her friend instead of the cancer was a gift.

“I always try to let people know I want to hear their problems. It helps me get my mind off [mine],” she says. “Women in general have to survive so many things. They’ve got more in them than they know.”

What’s the Prognosis? Are You Scared?

It’s probably the No. 1 question on your friends’ minds.

“No one is promised tomorrow,” Dinerman says. “I tell them yes, I’m scared. And sometimes I’ll cry.”

Her decision: Keep going no matter what.

“I’ll ask my husband, ‘Am I crazy for moving forward every day?’ But mostly it feels good to help my friends understand that none of us know what the future holds. And we should just enjoy the day.”

Did I Say Something Wrong?

There’s a lot of talk among people with cancer about words like fighting, battles, and survivors. Some people like this language. But a lot of people don’t.  And your friends might not realize that.

“I don’t want to hear what a fierce fighter I am or that I’m going to beat this thing,” Kohl says. “Everybody who has cancer is a fierce fighter.” 

You can let your friends know that you appreciate their encouragement and support, and let them know how you’d like to talk about it. If they haven’t had cancer themselves, they may need you to help them know what words or phrases you like and which ones to avoid.

Remember, your friends want to be there for you in big and small ways, just like with everything else you’ve been through together. And you’ll all feel better for it.

WebMD Feature

WebMD Voices

Lisa B.
Coral Springs, FL
Within the past 14 years, I've been on chemo and hormone therapy. The part that gives me hope is new drugs and therapies are more abundant then 20 years ago, with more to come. Every day, breast cancer is my shadow, but is not my life.
Linda L.
Saddle River, NJ
Be your own advocate. If you have a question for your doctor and don't understand the answer, ask again. If it's difficult to speak up, ask a relative or friend to go with you. If you're not comfortable with your doctor or the treatment she recommends, get a second opinion.
Mary G.
Oregon, WI
Swimming helps my whole body relax and relieves my aching bones. Reaching and pulling strokes stretch out and massage my arm. Yoga keeps my breathing calmer, and I use techniques I learn in class to help me go to sleep at night.
Fabianna M.
Dover, NH
Celebrate small successes. It's about progress towards wellness, not an all-or-nothing scenario. After surgery, it was a while before I could drive. The day I got back in the driver's seat, I drove myself to the beach. I remember sitting on a bench for an hour, reveling in the joy of taking my life back.
Mary R.
Livonia, MI
When I was first diagnosed, I was in shock. Getting information helped. My husband and children helped by listening and allowing me to cry when I needed to. I also formed a support group at my hospital. Talking as a group and forming friendships is very helpful. We all know what each of us is going through.
Catriona M.
Canal Winchester, OH
Ask family and friends for help and support. It's so easy to want to try to do it all, but people really do want to help you. You'll need every ounce of strength you have, so let people bring meals and clean your house if they want to. For many, it's how they show they love and care about you.
Suzanne K.
San Francisco, CA
Put your energy elsewhere, in a better place. I got involved with new challenges that inspired me. I joined a new company. I got involved with the Cashmere Foundation, which brings the spa experience to patients undergoing chemotherapy. I feel I'm able to pay back, or perhaps pay it forward, while helping others.
Mary G.
Oregon, WI
Bring a support person to your first appointment to take notes and listen. Learn all you can on reputable websites. Breathe. Gather your inner circle of supportive friends and lean on them. It's OK to be mad as hell. There will be good and bad days. On bad days, think of the good ones just around the corner.
Sheila M.
Swansea, IL
For a very long time, I didn't accept it. When I finally did, I stopped worrying about things that were beyond my control and I started enjoying life. Having MBC has given me a new purpose through my advocacy work with Metavivor's Serenity Project. I want women to stand on my shoulders of hope and love.
Mary R.
Livonia, MI
I always feel better when I'm rested. I sleep 10-12 hours many days. Smiling and having a good sense of humor makes difficult situations better. I don't worry about small things anymore. Meditation, music, and massages help. I also cope by coloring and sewing, when I have the energy.
Sheila M.
Swansea, IL
People often tell me, "Well, you should do this or you should do that." There's no right or wrong answer on how we deal with this disease. I've learned to deal with it on my own terms and in my own way. I continue to let my faith guide me, and I continue to lean on my family and friends for support.
Lisa B.
Coral Springs, FL
In addition to treatment, I do daily meditation, which calms my body as well as my mind. I find it to be very peaceful. I also find walking and yoga to be a form of relaxation -- and it's healthy. I call it ‘doing my homework.' The drugs are doing their job, and it's my responsibility to take care of me.
Lauren H., 39
Oakley, CA
Many with stage IV hate the comment, ‘Well, you don't look sick at all!' This both implies that I should look weak and sad all the time. And since I don't, I'm throwing off their expectations of what someone with cancer should look like.
Jeanette R., 47
Advance, NC
This cancer has been an odd gift, opening my eyes to the beauty in the little everyday things in life. Slow down, pause, savor it. Repeat. … The more I pray for it and practice, the easier it gets.
Lara M., 42
Louisville, KY
The corner … I lived in fear of looking around it for nearly 5 years. Over time, I've learned how to live more fully present instead of worrying about the perceived future.
Ericia L., 42
Massillon, OH
It's about facing one's mortality while trying to keep the courage to continue on for your family. It's like walking through mud with high heels on. You slip and fall and then you get up and try again, over, and over, and over. Sometimes you stay down for a while, sometimes someone throws you a rope to help, but the mud is always there.
Suzi M., 54
White Cloud, MI
I lift up life with cancer with music! With a good soundtrack, I can get through anything. My life consists of various soundtracks that helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.
Danielle W., 35
Green Bay, WI
Have I done everything that I wanted to do in life? Hell no! My kids are only 8. I’m 34 years old. But I’ll continue to live my life to the fullest with my kids’ happiness first and foremost.
Jeanette R., 47
Advance, NC
I haven’t felt like there has been any new news, but in reflection, that’s not entirely true. Every day that I wake up and get to go to work to help support my family is good news. Every day that I get to spend being a wife and mother is good news.
Lauren H., 39
Oakley, CA
The truth is, I’m not good at having stage IV cancer. I didn’t plan for this, and there aren’t books called 'How to be the Best Version of You With a Stage IV Diagnosis' to provide me with nine steps for dealing with my diagnosis. Instead, I figure it out every day.
Keeli A., 37
Erie, CO
My family’s priorities have changed. We take more vacations, worry about little things less. I’m trying to make my children’s childhood rich with memories and love. When they look back on me, I want them to remember the fun we had, not the illness.
Lara M., 42
Louisville, KY
I focus on gratitude for the moments my family shared, instead of tearfully wishing I could be back on my paddleboard, listening to the laughter of our kids jumping the crashing waves. I focus on the blessings here.
Carlene B., 49
Newfields, NH
I found Hope Scarves. Sending a scarf and a story of hope is such a heart-centered way to send support and love. So many people put their love and good energy into the scarves, the stories, and even the packaging -- how could you not feel that on the other end?
Dalynn C., 42
Lawrenceburg, KY
Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it’s a cinch.’ This concept was especially helpful to me. Going through chemo, it became my mantra: get through today, then we’ll deal with tomorrow. Get through chemo, then we’ll deal with surgery. Get through surgery, then we’ll deal with radiation. And so on.
Lara M., 42
Louisville, KY
We aren’t letting this derail our family’s life. We’re going to take the information as information, make a plan, and treat it. Sitting home and crying doesn’t help anything.

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