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Breast Cancer's Relationship Toll

Any major illness can strain close relationships. But for women with breast cancer, it can be an especially difficult emotional challenge.

By Colette Bouchez
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

For many women, the diagnosis of breast cancer represents not only a major physical battle, but also the ultimate emotional challenge -- one that affects every relationship in our life.

Indeed, from friendships to romance, from being a parent to being a daughter, the way you relate to everyone -- and the way they relate to you -- can be affected.

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"I do think cancer has more impact on emotions and emotional relationships than other catastrophic diseases, because with cancer, death is often the first thing people flash on. There's an immediate shock and emotional impact that few other illnesses have," says Katherine Puckett, LCSW, national director of Mind-Body Medicine at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Chicago.

Moreover, Puckett says that the uncertainty of the disease itself enhances that impact. "It's the not knowing aspect of breast cancer that increases the emotionality in regard to all your relationships. It heightens anxiety, but it heightens and changes everything in your life," says Puckett.

But the changes, she says, don't have to be negative.

Indeed, for some women, breast cancer can be the catalyst that turns casual friendships into deep and meaningful bonds, that brings couples closer, that helps the family unit become stronger and more cohesive.

For others, however, it can be a lonely and isolating time -- a period of life when people we counted on most seem to all but disappear.

So what is it that determines how breast cancer will affect you and the people in your life? Experts say it’s often linked to a willingness to let others share your burden, something that doesn't come easy for many women.

"Women are the caregivers. We are used to taking care of everyone else, so it can be a huge emotional struggle to give up some of that control and let people in. Even with illness, women still want to handle everything on their own," says Gloria Nelson, LSCW, senior oncology social worker at the Montefiore/Einstein Cancer Center in New York City.

Moreover, experts say, many women view asking for help as a sign of weakness, so they won't allow even those who want to help to do so.

"They think that needing help means they have no willpower or strength. But in reality, being able to share your feelings and ask for help when you need it is a sign of strength that can strengthen the relationships in your life when you need them the most," says Mauricio Murillo, MD, an onco-psychiatrist and director of Supportive Services at the NYU Cancer Center in New York City.

So where -- and how -- do you begin to do that? The best way to start, say experts, is with honest, open communication with family and friends.