Men looking for ways to support a wife, sister, mother, or
other woman with breast cancer may want to learn from experts and other men who
have been in the same position. In August 2001, Jackie Thomas was diagnosed
with breast cancer and quickly had surgery and started chemotherapy. Her
husband, Michael, a Lutheran minister with a background as a chaplain at the
University of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha found that his experience
counseling others through illness hadn't prepared him for this. "It's a
very difficult position to be in. You're used to being in control and you're
not in control. You want to come up with a solution and there is no
One writer reveals what it's really like to live with the disease day-to-day
— and honors the woman who helped her through the darkest moments.
Last October, REDBOOK asked readers to send in their stories of how breast
cancer had touched their lives — whether they themselves had the disease or had
witnessed a loved one facing it down. The entries we received were poignant and
powerful, making it difficult to select the grand-prize winner. Its author,
Lauren Reece Flaum, 48, was...
When a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, it can blindside
the men who love her - husbands, boyfriends, fathers, sons. It's not just a
"woman's issue," say the men who've been affected. But many of them
know little about the disease itself and find themselves at a loss as to how to
help the women they love cope emotionally (much less cope themselves).
What's Happening to Her?
"Breast cancer is one of those diseases where there isn't a
simple formula for treatment," says Judy Perotti, director of patient
services for Y-ME, a national breast cancer organization. "Treatment is
very individualized based on the woman's age, the size of the tumor, whether
it's in the lymph nodes, and whether it's estrogen-receptor positive. Those are
pieces of information that are critical to know and understand."
Y-ME offers a brochure called Understanding Your Breast
Cancer Pathology Report that can help decipher the "medicalese"
behind your wife's or mother's hospital chart. "People should know that
they have to be active in the treatment decisions, because there isn't a
formula," Perotti says.
Still, there are some things you can expect. "Most younger
women with invasive breast cancer get chemotherapy. That takes at least three
months, sometimes more," says Anne O'Connor, RN, MSN, clinical nurse
coordinator at the Lombardi Cancer Center at Georgetown University.
"Every three weeks, she'll get chemo for an hour to four
hours. For the next several days, she'll be taking a lot of medication and not
feeling well. After that, she'll probably be feeling more like herself, but
she'll still be fatigued, and the effects are cumulative."
There will be other changes. "If she has radiation therapy,
just going for it is fatiguing, since the treatment is usually Monday through
Friday for six weeks. There can be skin changes and sensitivity," O'Connor
says. "There will be changes to the breast. And there will be emotional
What Can I Do?
For many men, the biggest challenge is dealing with the fact
that they can't "fix" this. "They feel helpless. It's a horrible
feeling," Perotti says. "It's very difficult to stand by and watch as
the person who's dearest to you in the whole world is diagnosed with a
life-threatening disease and goes through treatments that may be very
difficult. A lot of men want to fix things, and they're very frustrated when it
becomes evident very quickly that they can't."