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Life-Threatening Illness: What to Tell Family, Friends

One of the hardest things about learning you have a life-threatening or terminal illness is figuring out how to tell the people you love.

What do you say? When do you tell them? And how do you talk about tough topics -- your wishes for removal of life support, for example, or whether you want to be buried or cremated.

People worry about how loved ones will feel and want to protect them from the harsh truth, says Leisa Rebold, MSW, a social worker with Capital Caring, which serves more than 1,000 people living with advanced illness in the Washington, D.C. area.

"When the time feels right, it's very important to tell your family and closest friends. They deserve to know," Rebold says. "And many people find that telling others about their diagnosis brings a real sense of relief."

So how do you go about sharing the news? There's no one right way. You can:

Tell one very trusted family member or friend, and ask that person to spread the word among your loved ones
Meet with family members and friends individually to talk about your condition
Hold a "family meeting" to explain the news
Ask a doctor, nurse, or social worker to talk to your family, or to be with you when you do

You can't predict how family members and other loved ones will react. "Some burst into tears, some become numb, and some jump in with wanting to be the 'go-to helper' person, Rebold says.

Many people will ask what they can do to help. If you know what that is, it's a good idea to tell them, or they will come up with their own ideas of how to help, which may or may not be what you need. You might want:

Someone to sit with you and hold your hand during times of day that are particularly tough for you.
To talk a lot about your diagnosis and condition.
To talk about anything but your diagnosis and condition.
People to help you get out and participate in activities you enjoy.
Friends to help you with mundane daily activities, or with caring for children or pets.

Talking to Children

What if you have to share the news of a life-threatening illness with your child or grandchild? Many people fear talking about death, or the possibility of death, with children and try to hide the information. But that can be unhealthy, Rebold says.

"You don't want to give young children too much information, and it should always be age-appropriate," she says. "But even a child of three or four is old enough to know in simple terms what's happening. It gives them the opportunity to have some closure -- both the person who is dying, and the child they love."

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