Skip to content

Health & Sex

Font Size

He's Just Not That Into You!

Harsh words from the best-selling dating book may set single women free.

People in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones

Friends create, analyze, and reinforce the excuses and reasons that women come up with because it could just as easily be them with this dating dilemma. "Everyone identifies with the victim, so to speak, and hopes that when they are in these same shoes, their friends can also think of reasons that he has not called," she says.

But "if you have a friend who can't see the writing on the wall and as a result they are not out looking for next Mr. Right then [being honest] would be doing the person a favor," she says.

"It's all a matter of degree and there are also ways to wake someone up, but spare their feelings," she says. "Try saying 'you are terrific, he doesn't t know what he is missing,' because there are ways to be supportive, but still make it clear that they are hanging on to a pipe dream."

'He's Just Not That Into You' Excuses

Making excuses can be counterproductive outside of the dating world as well, she says.

"Hopefully your spouse should be able to say to you, 'I feel like we need to be having sex more often' without you saying, 'Of course, he wants more sex. He always wants sex. He is a sex maniac!'" she says. "You need to be able to hear the other person, consider what they are saying, and look at what you are doing to grow, change, and compromise," she says.

Or "if your boss is trying to tell you that you are not doing a good job and you walk around saying 'he has a problem' or 'she just doesn't like men,' it's not productive," she says. "You need to be able to hear criticism, obviously if it is constructive criticism, that's better."

Men's Take on Dating

"I can understand why women feel empowered by this book," says Terrence Real, founder of the Relational Recovery Institute in Cambridge, Mass., and author of several books on male emotional health including, How Can I get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women.

"The book is implicitly teaching women to have good psychological boundaries, meaning that if he's just not that into you, it's not your problem, it's his and you need to deal with the fact that for whatever the reason this guy is not interested in a relationship with you," he says.

"If you are on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass looking for a needle in a haystack as to why he stopped pursuing you, you're nuts. It just didn't click, which is fine," Real says. "Maybe he doesn't like redheads or maybe you have a broad face like his mother or maybe you don't have a broad face like his mother."

Today on WebMD

couple not communicating
How to tell when you're in one.
couple face to face
Get your love life back on track.
couple having an argument
Turn spats into solutions
couple in argument
When to call it quits.
Life Cycle of a Penis
HIV Myth Facts
How Healthy is Your Sex Life
Couple in bed
6 Tips For Teens
Close-up of young man
screening tests for men
HPV Vaccine Future