He's Just Not That Into You!
Harsh words from the best-selling dating book may set single women free.
The Truth Shall Set You Free? continued...
Such defenses serve a positive and a negative function, she says. "They
can keep us from being overwhelmed by negative emotions, but if you are always
in denial and your head is in the sand, that's not useful either because it
keeps you holding onto a relationship where there is none," she tells
"Hearing the words 'he's not that into you' are painful because it's
like 'what's wrong with me?'" she says. But, Saltz notes, it's not always
that simple. "Sometimes there is something going on that is not about
you," she says. "The possibilities are endless and this book is popular
because usually we don't like to talk about the possibility that you are not
The growth and popularity of Internet dating services may have fueled the
need for such advice.
"The Internet and the emailing that goes on before the first date
creates the illusion that you know the person and when they don't call you
back, it seems more mystifying, but you really don't know each other at
all," Saltz says.
People in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones
Friends create, analyze, and reinforce the excuses and reasons that women
come up with because it could just as easily be them with this dating dilemma.
"Everyone identifies with the victim, so to speak, and hopes that when they
are in these same shoes, their friends can also think of reasons that he has
not called," she says.
But "if you have a friend who can't see the writing on the wall and as a
result they are not out looking for next Mr. Right then [being honest] would be
doing the person a favor," she says.
"It's all a matter of degree and there are also ways to wake someone up,
but spare their feelings," she says. "Try saying 'you are terrific, he
doesn't t know what he is missing,' because there are ways to be supportive,
but still make it clear that they are hanging on to a pipe dream."