He's Just Not That Into You!
Harsh words from the best-selling dating book may set single women free.
People in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones
Friends create, analyze, and reinforce the excuses and reasons that women
come up with because it could just as easily be them with this dating dilemma.
"Everyone identifies with the victim, so to speak, and hopes that when they
are in these same shoes, their friends can also think of reasons that he has
not called," she says.
But "if you have a friend who can't see the writing on the wall and as a
result they are not out looking for next Mr. Right then [being honest] would be
doing the person a favor," she says.
"It's all a matter of degree and there are also ways to wake someone up,
but spare their feelings," she says. "Try saying 'you are terrific, he
doesn't t know what he is missing,' because there are ways to be supportive,
but still make it clear that they are hanging on to a pipe dream."
'He's Just Not That Into You' Excuses
Making excuses can be counterproductive outside of the dating world as well,
"Hopefully your spouse should be able to say to you, 'I feel like we
need to be having sex more often' without you saying, 'Of course, he wants more
sex. He always wants sex. He is a sex maniac!'" she says. "You need to
be able to hear the other person, consider what they are saying, and look at
what you are doing to grow, change, and compromise," she says.
Or "if your boss is trying to tell you that you are not doing a good job
and you walk around saying 'he has a problem' or 'she just doesn't like men,'
it's not productive," she says. "You need to be able to hear criticism,
obviously if it is constructive criticism, that's better."
Men's Take on Dating
"I can understand why women feel empowered by this book," says
Terrence Real, founder of the Relational Recovery Institute in Cambridge,
Mass., and author of several books on male emotional health including, How
Can I get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and
"The book is implicitly teaching women to have good psychological
boundaries, meaning that if he's just not that into you, it's not your problem,
it's his and you need to deal with the fact that for whatever the reason this
guy is not interested in a relationship with you," he says.
"If you are on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass looking for
a needle in a haystack as to why he stopped pursuing you, you're nuts. It just
didn't click, which is fine," Real says. "Maybe he doesn't like
redheads or maybe you have a broad face like his mother or maybe you don't have
a broad face like his mother."