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6 Signs You're a Bad Lover

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You Make Love on Automatic Pilot

Ready, set: kiss, touch here, stroke there, get in position... 

If your lover can predict your every move, you may both be missing out.

"Couples fall into a script pretty quick. They know what works," says certified sexuality counselor and author Ian Kerner. "Comfort sex," as he calls it, can be great. But a too-steady menu can spell boredom, which makes it hard to get aroused.

Fix: Freshen up your sex menu. Your brain loves new things. "You can get to your usual script eventually, but for the first third of sex play, start with something more exciting," Kerner says. He suggests using sex toys, role playing, talking dirty to each other, or trying new positions.

You Don't Guide Your Lover

If you're totally still and silent, your partner can't get much sense of what pleases you or whether they're on the right track. "Being a good lover is being a good communicator," Kerner says.

Fix: Use your words, your sounds, and your movements to help your partner know what you'd like more or less of. Let yourself moan or sigh. Let your hips move.  

Your Ideas of Good Sex Are Based on Porn

Worried your breasts aren't "pretty" enough? Or your penis isn't big enough? Or your partner isn't having a "real" orgasm if she doesn't moan loudly? More and more, sex therapists say that people are asking, "What's wrong with me?" based on what they've seen in pornography magazines or videos.

"A lot of people come in thinking their relationship or their physical responses or their bodies aren't normal," Castellanos says. "But they are. They just think they're not because they compare it to what's not normal."

That anxiety makes it hard to get aroused and enjoy sex. It puts useless pressure on you both.

Fix: Porn can put you in the mood or teach you new techniques, sex experts say. But define good sex by what's happening in your own bed. Explore your partner. Get to know their body, breathing, and muscle tension. The more you relax and see what works for each other, the more you'll naturally develop a great sex life.

The question shouldn't be, "Am I normal?" But instead, "Are my partner and I having a good time?"

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Reviewed on August 30, 2013

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