When we overdo anything, we risk flaring. For me, I am at an elevated risk of overdoing everything, which puts me at an even higher risk of flaring. I simply cannot say “no.” I am incapable of it. I was not created to say the word or to put the letters N and O together when someone asks me to do something, or for something, or for help, etc. I think that I want to say it, and then, I cannot say it after all. I have realized that I really don’t want to say that word. I feel like by saying it, I am letting people down somehow. But then when I don’t say it, I am letting myself down because I know that I need to be saying it some of the time.
I find that little two-letter word to be so stressful. I wish it didn’t exist. But if it didn’t, I would just continue to say the word “yes.” I wouldn’t have another choice. So getting rid of the word “no” is off the table. I must learn when to say “no” to prevent ankylosing spondylitis flares because when I continue to agree to do things for people repeatedly, I am running out of steam.
I was talking to my mental health provider yesterday about how I am working extremely hard on myself for 2024. I am going to look out for me this year. I am not saying I am going to be selfish or self-centered. I am going to be self-loving and self-caring. I owe that to myself! I will be 50 years old this year, and I have been that place for people to wipe their feet for one too many years. This is the year I stop!
How do I know when it’s time to say “no” to someone? I think this is a great question, and it is a question I have asked myself so many times that I stopped asking it and realized that I was just saying “yes” to everyone. It is unhealthy to just say “yes,” no matter what. I am not saying that I will never say “yes.” I will, but I will say “no.”
Here’s how it went with my mental health provider:
She told me that I have issues with myself. I need to first trust myself. I am more worried about what others think of me than what I think of myself or what I think is the right thing to do or what I want to do. Well, she got it exactly right. I have always been searching for other people’s approval since I was a little child. I wanted my parents’ approval, my teachers’ approval, my friends’ approval, my husband’s approval, and now it’s just anyone’s approval so that I can then give myself a good grade for getting a positive approval rating. That is no way to live or to interact with others. It is not the way a person can survive for long because seeking others’ approval and always saying “yes” to anything that anyone wants will wear a person down completely.
Having AS and always saying “yes” to everyone causes me to flare. My body gets so run-down from overdoing everything. I have no time for myself. I do so much for other people that I go for days without self-care. I wake up and brush my teeth, eat breakfast and have coffee, and take my meds, but I will skip washing my hair because I won’t have the energy to blow dry it or to do all the steps it takes with curly hair. I find that my sleep is all messed up because I will stay up extra late playing catch-up for myself because I was doing for other people all day and evening. Night comes around, and I can’t go to sleep because it is the only time to catch up on my stuff.
I sometimes end up getting sick, and that leads to more problems with my AS. When I have anything with respiratory and coughing, it is so hard to breathe because of the rib cage pain and the breastbone flaring with my AS. My pain intensifies when I lose sleep, when I don’t feel well, and when I don’t take time to take care of myself and eat properly, drink enough water, and exercise.
Remember that just because you take time out of your day to take care of yourself and to show self-love, it is not selfish. We need to make sure that we are OK first before we can take care of others. We must be strong enough to stand on our own before we can say “yes” to someone. Always think of the airplane instructions before takeoff: “If the plane should lose altitude and the oxygen mask drops down from the ceiling, put yours on first. Make sure that yours is on securely and properly first before putting on your child’s mask.”
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