Unspoil Your Child
STEP 5: Brace yourself for the meltdowns.
The first few times you stick to a new rule and say no, it will be painful —
for you, your child, and everyone else within hearing distance. "There will
be meltdowns at first, so fasten your seat belt and react to them in a very
calm and neutral way," suggests Ehrensaft. "If you hold to that line
every day, your child will learn that this is not the way to get something that
he wants, and he will eventually stop." In fact, experts compare this part
of the despoiling process to sleep-training your baby: a week or so of stress
and tears, and then one blissful night your baby sleeps till morning — or your
kid finally understands the word no.
STEP 6: Share the thrill of anticipation.
I remember being 8 years old and running up and down the stairs in my house,
screaming with excitement because the once-a-year TV showing of The Wizard of
Oz was about to begin. Today, when my daughters want to see Dorothy and the
Munchkins, they simply pop in a DVD.
While our instant-gratification culture has made life easier in many ways, it
has also diluted the joy of looking forward to special experiences. Just think
about the buildup of excitement you get when you plan a vacation a month away —
there's the thrill of planning it, packing for it, talking to your friends
about it. When you finally get there, the joy is magnified. But if there is no
wait, no period of dreaming about it, the thrill is often less intense.
"When kids are accustomed to getting things right away, nothing excites
them anymore," says Friedfeld. "The bar has been raised so high that by
the time they're teenagers, they might start looking toward other things — like
alcohol and sex — for thrills." Friedfeld also points out that teaching
your children to wait for fun and treats helps them sustain focus and
attention, two very important skills for success in school.
One of the best ways to teach anticipation is to give your child an allowance
and let him save it toward the item he covets. My daughter, for example, knows
that it takes exactly three weeks of saving her $2 allowance to have enough to
buy a new Rainbow Fairies book, and seven weeks to save for a new Webkinz. For
those few weeks, she talks about the book or animal, draws pictures of it, and
discusses it endlessly with her little sister.
Other parents have found wish lists to be a powerful tool. Small children can
cut out or draw pictures of toys they want for their birthday or
Christmas/Hanukkah; older kids can create electronic wish lists on amazon.com
and other websites. And make the list finite: She can keep 10 items on it at
any given time; to add a new wish, she has to eliminate an old one. This not
only helps her prioritize what she truly desires but also shows your child that
a toy she swore she couldn't live without in April may seem less important in