When we’re looking for love, we often look for specific characteristics: a sense of humor, perhaps, or financial solvency and kindness. But sometimes we fall in love “at first sight.” Take the case of Lila Sumin, who figured out she’d met her future husband after only a few hours. “I came home from our first date and told my parents he was the one,” says Sumin, 71, who lives in Los Angeles. Those initial feelings were spot on for Sumin, happily married now for 50 years to that man. But how, in such short order, could she have known?
“Chemistry” between two people, it turns out, literally matters when it comes to picking a mate. While many factors influence our choices, “we are drawn to certain people not only for cultural reasons, such as socioeconomics, intelligence, and values, but also for biological reasons,” says Helen Fisher, PhD, a cultural anthropologist from Rutgers University and author of a new book, Why Him? Why Her?
By Laura Berman
It happens at my speaking engagements, of course, but also at cocktail parties and PTA meetings, even in department stores: People who've learned that I'm a sex therapist have tons of questions for me. Some just want to hear more about what I do, but most are concerned with very specific issues — things they've been wondering about but haven't felt comfortable asking (until they run into me shopping for shoes!). I'm happy to answer, if time and the setting permit. Not only does...
According to Fisher, we all have “chemical families” associated with dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen. People choose partners with chemicals that complement their own. For example, a person with a high amount of estrogen may be attracted to a high-testosterone type.
Psychology plays a role, too. Our choice of a mate is partly dictated by a “love map,” an unconscious list of traits we want in an ideal partner that we construct during our childhood. We get used to our father’s sense of humor or our mother’s brand of affection and use this to build our list. When we meet a potential partner, we consciously and unconsciously determine if that person is right for us. “We often do this in less than three minutes,” Fisher says.
The science of love
And when it comes to sniffing around for love, you may have more in common with Fido than you think. Martie Haselton, PhD, with the communication studies and psychology departments at the University of California, Los Angeles, has been studying major histocompatibility complex, or MHC, a set of genes involved in immunity that might play a role in mating by way of our sense of smell.