The Sex-Starved Wife
If you suspect that biology or personal issues may play a part in your
husband's lack of interest in sex, he should start with a visit to a doctor or
a therapist. But even if he refuses to get help, there's a lot you can
do to change the "I'm hot, he's not" dynamic in your relationship.
There are no one-size-fits-all universal methods for boosting sexual desire.
So don't get too bogged down trying to figure out the perfect place to start.
Just start somewhere.
Sex Starter: Focus on the exceptions
I always ask couples, "What's different about the times the two of you
are getting along better? What are each of you doing differently?" People
are typically stymied. They simply haven't been paying much attention to
problem-free times — or if they notice good times, they assume the good times
are flukes. But good times don't just happen. When things are going better,
it's because at least one partner is doing something differently.
Jeff had become less and less interested in sex. When I asked his wife, Zoe,
what had changed, she told me that before they had kids, sex was more
spontaneous. Now they had to have planned sex dates, and that was a turnoff for
Jeff. Then she said, "The only other thing I can think of is that in the
past, I said dirty things when we had sex. I sent him e-mails with erotic
messages. I stopped because I've been mad about his lack of interest in me
sexually. Now that I think about it, he really used to get fired up when I
It became clear that by doing two simple things, Zoe could help heat up
their sex life again. First, she could find ways to introduce spontaneity into
their lovemaking. Without telling Jeff, she got her kids invited for sleepovers
at friends' houses. When he came home, she seduced him with lingerie and a sexy
video. Zoe also used her surefire passion-building technique of the past:
talking dirty. Once she realized how well the old trick worked, it was easy to
put aside her resentment for the sake of her sexual satisfaction.