- Stop the power struggle by disengaging. Don't jump into the fray with a 2-year-old. Take a deep breath and stay calm.
- Give toddlers limited choices instead of demands. Ask, "Would you like to pick up the books by yourself or would you like my help?"
- Get children involved in working with you. Toddlers need power and autonomy. Instead of telling a toddler to stay out of the trash, ask him to help put something in the trash, and then close the lid.
- Be specific and assertive, not vague and passive. Don't ask, "Why did you take those scissors? Can't you be nice?" Do say, "Give me the scissors. These are too sharp. They could cut you. I will get you a plastic pair."
- Notice, don't judge. Noticing your children encourages them without classifying them as "good" or "bad." Instead of saying, "You are such a good boy," say "You showed your friend how to butter his bread without tearing it. That was helpful."
- If your child struggles with a going-to-bed routine, take photographs of him putting on his pajamas, brushing his teeth, reading a book, and so on. Mount the photos on a "bedtime" poster and let the poster be the boss. Ask, "What do we do next in our good night routine?"
- Take time to enjoy your children. Roll around with them, play with them, laugh with them.
- Feed yourself positive messages. When faced with a conflict, don't tell yourself you can't handle it. Tell yourself that you will figure out what to do.
Jane Meredith Adams has been a staff writer for The Boston Globe and has written for numerous other publications. She is based in San Francisco.