I must admit I cringed when my editor first asked me to write profiles of mothers who had lost a husband or a child in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. How could I find out how these moms were doing without aggravating their sorrow? Plus, weren't they sick of the media microscope?
The answers to my questions came shortly after I sent out an email to some victims' rights and family groups, asking if there were mothers interested in sharing how they've picked up the pieces after 9/11. The story is meant to be a positive one, I said, hopefully something that will be helpful to other grievers.
My phone rang, and then it rang again, and again over the next few days. Several women -- even those that weren't mothers -- volunteered some of the most intimate and painful details of their lives.
They weren't looking for pity or the media spotlight, however, as critics have suggested of some survivors. These women said they were willing to talk if their experiences could comfort others.
Almost all of them did choke up at some point during the interview, but instead of merely displaying their vulnerability, the tears seemed to bolster their resolve. For their fallen loved one's sake, they weren't taking this lying down. Each of them had a mission -- whether it was to lobby for a thorough investigation of the World Trade Center collapse, to start a support group, to pursue a dream of their loved one's, or to get the rest of the family through the crisis.
Their collective voices resonated with strength and supported the idea that something positive can come out of tragedy. Yet they all dismissed suggestions that they were doing anything remarkable. Each day, they say they just get up like everyone else, and do their best.
Here are some of their amazing stories.
Facing the Challenge
Life was demanding enough when Laura Weinberg Aronow and her husband, Richard, worked together as a team to care for their 4-year-old autistic child, Willie. But when Rich died while working as a Port Authority lawyer in Tower 1 of the World Trade Center, the full responsibility of Willie's care fell on Laura.
"I knew the most important thing I could possibly do was to get Willie into a school," Laura said, noting that the constant sympathy calls and random visits to the house bothered her son. Willie had still hoped that his daddy was alive, and resented any suggestions to the contrary.
He went back to diapers and stopped going to the bathroom on his own because he associated toilet training with his dad. Because Willie had also not developed verbal skills yet, he was only able to sign the word "sad" over and over again.
Laura managed to enroll her son in a school despite lengthy waiting lists. Since then, the now 5-year-old has been able to say an occasional word and even remember his father without getting upset.
In fact, Willie recently agreed to go into a men's bathroom at a restaurant with a male sitter. Then Laura recalled how Rich used to do that with their son. She asked Willie, "Daddy always used big words with you. Did he use the word urinal with you?"
Willie started laughing.
"It was the very first time that he had ever remembered his father happily," Laura said excitedly. Now she makes sure to share stories and pictures of Rich with their son. In addition, she now speaks publicly about autism issues, and is in the process of starting a special school for kids like Willie -- something she and her husband had dreamed of doing together.
Living the Day
Patricia Noah had already lost a daughter to bronchial pneumonia 6 years ago when she realized that her son, Leonard Castrianno, a junior broker at Cantor Fitzgerald, was gone, too. Right away, she started seeing a therapist who prescribed an antidepressant and a tranquilizer.
"I live one day at a time," said 61-year-old Patricia, who makes it a point to call her two grown-up daughters everyday. She said they air out their feelings and listen to each other.
A few weeks ago, Patricia, a resident of Buffalo, N.Y., and one of her children went to New York City to visit Ground Zero and to attend a support group of victims' families. She was so inspired by the camaraderie she felt that she has decided to start a support group in her area. She contacted the American Red Cross for help, and now people in Western New York have the option to talk with a mental health professional and other survivors by calling 716-553-4467.
"He'd be very proud of me," Patricia remarked, of her son Leonard. Even though she still sometimes cries uncontrollably, she has determined that something good has to come out of the deaths of her children. Plus, she said her surviving daughters need her as much as she needs them. She doesn't want them to feel that they are any less important to her. "I treat them like today's the last day," she said.
Fighting the Good Fight
Two firefighters, Christian Regen Hard and Michael Regusa, both perished while on duty at the Twin Towers. Now, their mothers are joined together not only because of tragedy, but because they work together to assure that whatever happened to their sons doesn't happen again.
Sally Regen Hard and her daughter, 30-year-old Christina, started a group called the Campaign for Skyscraper Safety, which lobbies for reforms of building codes, and for a comprehensive government review of what caused the collapse of the besieged skyscrapers.
"We weren't used to working on joint goals and projects, but because of [the disaster], that changed," Sally said of her collaboration with Christina. The two have spent many days and nights running the organization together.
"I think I've helped [Christina] by showing her that we don't have to take this lying down, and we don't have to be victims," Sally added. "We can fight."
Domenica Regusa is one woman who often helps Sally with skyscraper issues. When her son, Michael, was killed, she realized she had to get involved somehow. "I couldn't sit in the kitchen and feel sorry for myself," she said.
Besides working on the skyscraper committee, Domenica set up a scholarship fund in her son's name to help the children of every living firefighter Michael ever worked with.
She also makes sure her husband and three surviving adult children are OK. Even though her kids are very independent, she says they know they have mommy's shoulders to lean on if they need it.
Continuing the Dream, With Help
If there was one thing Diana Stewart could say to her ex-husband, it's that she is going to continue raising their kids the way they had planned. Michael died while working in the 92ndfloor of the North Tower -- the point of impact of the first hijacked plane.
"I don't want our kids growing up as poster children for horror," Diana said of sons, Eamon and Franco, 12 and 14, respectively. She worries about the boys' state of mind, given that prior to Sept. 11 they were still trying to adjust to the divorce and had recently lost a grandfather and a great grandfather.
Diana tries to spend more time with the boys now, cutting back on her hours as a pharmaceutical copywriter. She reserves her weeping for when she is away from Eamon and Franco, so that she could be composed and ready for them when they need to cry.
Her source of strength? She says it's the women in her community who would drop whatever they were doing to help her and the boys get through this tough time.
She advises other grieving persons to also seek help. "It's not good to be alone, and it's not necessary," she said.
Dealing With Mother's Day Blues
Staying connected is one of the most vital things that grievers can do, especially on holidays or other special days, say experts.
For moms this Mother's Day, "don't be surprised if you feel sad and teary," said Sheila Erlich, PhD, a therapist in private practice in New York, who reminds people that 9/11 was not that long ago, and the idea that grievers should "just get over it" is premature. The unexpected nature of the disaster reportedly makes the bereavement process all the more difficult.
Erlich said she has a lot of respect for mothers who are trying to deal with a husband or a child's death, and yet try to be OK enough to be there for their families. A holiday like Mother's Day may be tough to factor into the equation, but she says it's important for moms to acknowledge the day with something that has meaning for them.
Here are some of her recommendations:
- Try to be with other family members to take the burden off being the happy mom in front of the kids.
- Get a massage or do something enjoyable for yourself.
- Mothers who want to spend time with their kids can do something the whole family enjoys, such as cooking together, going to a restaurant, the park, or the movies.
People who are interested in finding out more about how to cope with the death of a loved one can tap into the Web sites of the American Psychological Association (www.apa.org), or the American Red Cross (www.redcross.org).
