Never before has erectile dysfunction been so openly discussed in our society. It appears in everything from news reports and comedy sketches to national advertising campaigns. “But ironically, it’s still very difficult for many couples to talk about sex, and especially to talk about erection problems,” says Brian Zamboni, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in human sexuality at the University of Minnesota.
That’s too bad. For most couples, talking about erection difficulties is the first step toward treating them -- and enjoying better sex. A few simple strategies can help you communicate more easily.
To a healthy young man, erectile dysfunction (ED) may seem unthinkable. You can probably remember times (think back to high school) when you wished it wasn't so easy to get an erection.
But as you age -- and especially when you have diabetes -- you may notice some changes. Maybe it takes more coaxing to get erect than it used to. Sometimes it may take more direct stimulation of the penis, whereas merely a daydream or the suggestion of sex was once enough. Or perhaps your erections aren't quite as...
If you feel hesitant about starting the conversation with your partner, spend some time by yourself preparing your approach. If it helps, rehearse your opening and then choose a time and place that feels comfortable.
“Sometimes the best way to start is by acknowledging that this isn’t an easy subject to talk about,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a sex therapist in private practice in California. “You might say, ‘This is a little embarrassing, but I seem to be having some problems in the erection department.’ Of course your partner may bring up the subject before you do. Then your job is to make her or him comfortable.”
Be Open and Supportive
When problems happen in the bedroom, emotions can run high. If you’ve begun avoiding sex for fear of not getting an erection, your partner may begin to think you no longer find them attractive. Feelings get hurt. Couples begin to feel less intimate. Resentment creeps in.
“That’s why it’s so important to talk about sexual problems like erectile dysfunction in an open and supportive way,” says Weston. “Say right up front that it’s not a matter of being attracted to your partner. Reassure your partner that he or she is still attractive to you.”
Web sites and books offer valuable advice on how to overcome erection problems and enjoy better sex. Along with providing information, they provide a language to communicate for couples who don’t normally talk directly about sex.
“Words are a big problem for many people,” says Zamboni. “Some people feel comfortable only with medical terms like penis. Others are more comfortable with slang terms. Any words will do, as long as they make it easy for a couple to talk openly.” Sharing a good book or web site about sex can help give you permission -- and a vocabulary -- to talk together about ED and your sex life in general.
Don’t Have Sex -- For a Little While
That’s right. Many sex therapists recommend taking a break from sex while you and your partner focus on emotional intimacy.
“Most of the couples who come to our clinic assume that we’re going to be talking a lot about sex,” says Zamboni. “In fact, we often talk a lot less about sex than they expected.” That’s because most erection problems have little to do with the mechanics of sex and a lot to do with stress, anxiety, anger, and other feelings that find their way into the bedroom.
“Talking intimately about work, about the marriage or relationship, about yourself, can be much more helpful than banging away and trying to have sex,” says Zamboni. He counsels couples who are having sexual problems to take walks together, go out for dinner at a favorite restaurant, or spend a quiet evening just talking. Once you and your partner feel more intimate on an emotional level, you may find that your sex drive and your erections perk up.