Dating with Lupus

Hey, come on in.

[INAUDIBLE]. How you doing?

Nice to meet you. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

Let's move over here. Oh, wow. Look who's here.

Hey, girls. Let's have some girl talk.

Yes.

I'm going to say a word to you. Tell me what you think. Dating.

Count me in. But you know, I had to get to a point where I was even ready to date. And I kind of felt like, with lupus, I didn't feel attractive. I didn't feel like I was a woman. So I felt like I didn't even have anything to bring to the table, and went through a period of that for a long time. Didn't want to bring anyone in my world, because I said it's not fair for you to even want to date me when I know that I have this illness that's going to stop me.

And you have to let them determine-- make that decision, and not decide something for someone. They can decide if they can handle it or not. Take that burden off yourself.

When I started to embrace that I am more than lupus, and that's my motto, I had to constantly remind myself, you know what, I am worth it. I am worth it.

Lupus is definitely a huge part of our lives. It just is what it is. So you know, sometimes when you're dating, you know, you're a package deal. You get me, you get lupus. It just-- we come together.

Don't ever forget, though, you get their package, too--

Right.

That's true.



Exactly.

Which could be someone else's children--

Right, it could be anything.

Several ex wives. Or you may get a lot of debt from someone. When you start hearing people tell about all this stuff that they've done in their lives, not always great. And I think shoot, my lupus is nothing.

Yeah, my lupus is nothing compared to your stuff.

Compared to this.

It's like, check, please. I'm good.

Yeah, definitely.

I used to feel, when I was first diagnosed, I had a date, and conversation would be going well. And then I just felt like I needed to broadcast that I had lupus.

Dun dun dun.

And they didn't ask. And so tip number one is they're probably ill, as well, with diabetes or heart disease or something. So keep it quiet.

Everyone has something.

Right. And tell on your own terms if you can.

And sometimes when we talk too much about our disease, not that it's not real and personal, but it overwhelms the other person. So it is good that you read people's body language and you also know when they're ready to hear everything. So little phases, and not just to reveal too much too soon, because it can scare some people.

And half the time, they don't know how bad it is. They don't know what it is, or they'll say is it AIDS. I've had that question. I'm like, it's not contagious. And--

That's a question that I know people have asked. Is it contagious.

Right.

I had a person ask me what kind of health insurance I had. And I said, look at that store over there. And I just had to redirect, because I thought I cannot get into this with you.

CHRISTINE MISERANDINO: The better question is, if I like you, what health insurance do you have.

Yes.

You know, most-- many people say ask about their portfolio. Wait, no, no, no. What's your insurance?

Right. And on a scale of 1 to 10, how upset are you going to be if we spend a date at the emergency room.

Right. And you know, even at that awkward moment at the end of the date where there could be a kiss, I can't lie. I really want to ask, how have you been feeling lately. Do you have a cold.

That's true, the germ thing is--

It's not that I don't want to kiss you, but do you have any germs I need to worry about.

How have you been feeling?

How have you been feeling lately. I mean really, if we're going to share funny stories, how about going on a four or five-hour date and then going to say goodbye and going goodbye, you.

Yeah.

Yes.

Whatever your name is. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

I really like you, but I don't know your name.

Whatever your name is, I enjoyed this date, and I will call whoever you are tomorrow.

Exactly. Well, I try to always get a business card for that purpose. And if I'm really having a fog day-- a fog moment, I will write the name on a hand, and occasionally glance just so I don't make sure that I'm not forgetting their name.

Well it's good to, as you get older, it was a little bit different in late 20s, early 30s, but as you get older, they're losing their marbles, too. So they can't remember anything. So I've learned-- I can let up on some of it.

And we're so self-conscious, but they could probably easily say, oh, I just have a lot of my mind. And we can say that, too. The number one tip is do what you need to do to be comfortable.

And I really believe, when you're comfortable in your own skin, that's the most attractive thing to someone. And this takes time, you know. It just-- you have to work through many issues with having a chronic illness, no matter what it is. But just being comfortable with yourself I think really puts people at ease.

I think lupus has taught me so much that made me an even better person to date. I definitely think I am a better communicator than I would have been without lupus. I think I'm a more caring person than I would have been with-- an understanding person, of their baggage maybe.

Yes.

I think it gave me qualities that are going to make me more attractive to someone else. So that's-- it's all how you spin it.