You walk into Home Depot or Lowe's to pick up a lightbulb. Instead, you
leave with some new flooring, a circular saw, a framing square, and big ideas
about re-tiling your kitchen.
The problem? You've never done anything more than change a lightbulb by
Growing numbers of Americans are tackling do-it-yourself home improvement
projects that once might have been left to professionals. One reason for the
shift: Stores like Home Depot, along with TV shows on networks like HGTV or the
You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and
worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the
act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay -- she melted at
your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic
climax -- you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not
getting it as often as everyone else.
For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably
confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by
self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our
mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically,
we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual
To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex?
Of course we can. But first we should decide what great sex is.
“Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says
Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex
Coaching. “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous
multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to
last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your
particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening
Great SexTip 1: Take Up Pillow Talk
Right. The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of
arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for
communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Shoot
for trust and openness.
“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more
erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based
psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.
Great Sex Tip2: Don’t Believe Locker Room Talk
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less
apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate
their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one
“A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something,
that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says.
“They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”
According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author
of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex,
the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly
once every 10 days.