Is there any truth to the adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder?"
Living separate lives isn't what most couples have in mind when they marry. But shift work, job relocations, or demanding travel schedules can wreak havoc with domestic routines. When one partner is often absent, how do you keep the romantic connection strong? What can couples do to make a commuter marriage work? WebMD talked to therapists and couples who manage long-distance relationships about the challenges of running a household in a partner's absence.
By Gretchen Voss
You'd never buy a car without test-driving it first, right? So why settle into a lifelong marriage before trying one on for size?
"I'm just really not ready to be committed like this." That's what Andi said to Tucker, her husband of 11 months, after she came home from a crazy day at work two years ago with an overwhelming urge to quit her marriage. Today. Right now. "This just isn't for me."
She spoke stoically — no tears, no histrionics. She had been imagining this...
Military spouses are famous for developing top-notch coping skills for dealing with an absentee spouse. Writer Alison Buckholtz and her military-pilot husband, Scott, live together in Anacortes, Wash., when he's not deployed. He had been in the Navy for 15 years when they married six years ago, and he's committed to a career that will take him away from home for the foreseeable future. They are the parents of two children, aged 2 and 4.
"People say to me, 'My husband was away for two weeks. How do you manage for seven months?'" says Buckholtz, who is writing a book on how she copes with a husband who is gone for long stretches of time.
"Everything from carpools and illnesses, sports games, nightmares, and dealing with household issues like a broken washing machine and bills, falls on your shoulders," Buckholtz tells WebMD. "That's not insignificant, but the hardest part is knowing I alone am responsible for the psychological, physical, and emotional well-being of these two little people."
Raising happy children with limited support is a common concern of people who have an absentee spouse. "It's a delicate balance for me to keep their dad alive and present without making them anxious or worried or continually grieving."
No matter how often or predictable the separations, Buckholtz says, "we don't miss him any less. It's not easy and it's not fun. But we do what we have to do to get through."
Like many spouses who hold down the fort while a partner travels, Buckholtz has experimented with different approaches to managing her husband's absence.