"He's just not that into you." That one now infamous line -- pulled from the legendary Sex and the City television series -- spawned not only a book, but a dating revolution that, for a while, turned many singles' lives upside down. At the core of the shake up: A philosophy that told us if your partner isn't giving you the attention you expect, don't hang around and wait for change - just move on.
But as sound as this tenet may be, it also underscores what experts see as a major problem in relationships today: We frequently expect a little too much, a little too soon. And that, they say, can spell dating disaster.
By Ellen Seidman
It's 8 a.m., and I'm caught up in the get-the-kids-to-school shuffle: shoes, breakfast, knapsacks, and no, you can't bring the vacuum cleaner for show-and-tell. Suddenly, I catch my husband giving me a funny look. "What?" I say, wondering if I have toothpaste on my cheek. "Do you know what today is?" Dave says with a wistful smile.
Um. Wait. Oops. Today is our ninth wedding anniversary. I knew it was coming up, but kid stuff had taken over my brain — signing up for swimming lessons,...
"People want to rush into a relationship and they want it all to work out right away. They become very concerned if the other person doesn't call them quickly or doesn't want to see them with increasing frequency," says JoAnn White, a relationship expert and psychology instructor at Temple University in Philadelphia. Often those expectations are simply unrealistic.
Many times, she says, one partner simply doesn't want to move that fast. So, tossing away someone simply because they want to take it slow could turn out to be a big mistake.
Psychiatrist Virginia A. Sadock, MD, notes that getting swept up in romantic desire is not, in and of itself, a bad thing, as long as we don't subject our partner to our fantasies too soon. "If there's this kind of desperation to get things moving too fast, it just pushes the other person away," says Sadock, a professor of psychiatry at NYU School of Medicine.
So how do you keep yourself from expecting too much too soon? How do you know when to hold on and when to let go? Experts say it all boils down to just a few old fashioned bylaws of romance:
Don't rush into sex.
Let the relationship deepen slowly over months.
Think about what you bring to the relationship, not what you get from it.
Understand that heady passion may not last, but love does.
Work through problems to have a stronger relationship in the end.