You may need to take action to build emotional intimacy.
May 15, 2000 -- Elizabeth Haney was sexually assaulted at school by a group
of male classmates when she was 12.
Now 24, the San Francisco woman finds that repercussions of the attack have
made her incapable of connecting love with sex. She has had just two serious
romantic relationships in her life. She admits she is more comfortable with
casual flings, partly because the closer she gets to a man emotionally, the
less she wants to have sex with him.Haney (not her real name), is currently in
therapy to help overcome what she calls her "separation" of love and
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By the time we reach our 15th wedding anniversaries, most of us know how to
handle the ups and downs of marriage. Sure, the wedding china may have a few
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But three months into her current relationship, Haney continues to keep her
29-year-old boyfriend at arm's length, emotionally speaking. "I care about
him," she says. "But I don't want to get too close."
The arrangement, however, has started to cause friction. Recently, Haney
flew into a jealous rage when her boyfriend took a phone call from a woman
friend in her presence. Although outwardly viewing the relationship as a fling,
her reaction to the phone call suggested otherwise. "I got upset, and he
tried to talk to me about it, but I wouldn't talk about it," she says.
"I couldn't say what I wanted to, and he got frustrated."
The impact of childhood sexual abuse on adult intimacy varies from person to
person, but experts say Haney's relationship troubles are not uncommon. And the
numbers behind this dilemma are substantial. According to University of New
Hampshire sociologist David Finkelhor, PhD, an estimated 20% of women and up to
5% of men in the United States were abused sexually as children.
When those abused as children try to form adult romantic relationships, they
can be affected by anxiety, depression, and poor self-esteem. Some have no
sexual desire; others may have a high sex drive. The history of abuse can also
test the partner's limits of patience and understanding. But researchers and
mental health experts say there are steps couples can take to help overcome
these difficulties and cultivate a healthy, meaningful relationship.
The Effects of Abuse
Not everyone who was abused as a child reacts as Haney does, preferring
casual sex. But she's far from alone, according to a survey of 1,032 college
students published in the November 1999 issue of the Journal of Sex
Research. In the survey, women who had been sexually abused were more
likely than those who had not been abused to be more sexually experienced and
more willing to engage in casual sex, according to Cindy Meston, PhD, a survey
co-author and an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Texas.
(This was not the case for men.) Such behavior could stem from an unhealthy
sexual self-image, she says. Or, some survivors may use sex as a means of
getting validation from men.