Loss of Libido in Men
Why men lose interest in sex -- and 8 tips to rekindle desire.
What Accounts for Loss of Libido in Men? continued...
It is not only women who respond - with sexiness or inhibited sexuality - to
how happy they are in their relationship. Problems with sex can - but do not
always - signal other problems in the relationship that need to be addressed.
Anger and disappointment often carry over into the bedroom.
- Too Much Togetherness Can Sap Libido
The paradox of modern relationships is that greater intimacy may not make
for better sex. "Sometimes too much closeness stifles desire; fire needs air,"
says Perel.. "Separateness is a precondition for
connection. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not lack of closeness
but too much closeness that impedes desire."
- The Wrong Kind of Respect Can Cause Loss of Libido
For some men, the very love and respect they have for their partners -
especially after the birth of a baby - can become an obstacle to sexual desire.
"A lot of men find it difficult to eroticize the mother of their children. It
feels too regressive, too incestuous," says Perel. And of course, if they are
pulling their weight in the care of a baby or young children, the resulting
exhaustion can sap libido for men as surely as it does for women.
Even where children are not involved, Perel reports that some men say things
like, "I can't do that with my wife." Her advice? In the first instance,
get some sleep. In the second, you never know until you try.
8 Tips for Rekindling Libido
The advice here is not so much about getting more, but getting better.
Frequency is not the only measure of libido. Feelings count, too. If you look
forward to sex, and feel good about it before, during, and after, that is the
true measure of whether your libido is healthy. Here's how to help combat loss
- Get physical and Boost Libido
"When you have no desire you feel frozen. Juice is not flowing - so movement
is important, figuratively as well as literally," say Perel. "It gets people
unstuck." Take up a sport, go walking, with or without your partner. If
you already walk or run or work out, try challenging yourself just a little bit
further, so you feel a sense of accomplishment and vitality. That physical
confidence will carry over into sexual confidence.
- Keep Expectations Real
It may take the pressure off performance anxiety to bear in mind that not
every sexual encounter has to be perfect. Probably only about 40% to 50% of
sexual events can be mutually satisfying, McCarthy writes in his book. If you
laugh off moments when things don't work right, your partner will be more
likely to want to experiment the next time around, since it takes some pressure
and guilt off of her, too.
- Use Imagination to Fight Loss of Libido