Making Lust Last
Intimacy doesn't equal sex
When a man and a woman reveal themselves to each other, it makes each person
feel more vulnerable. And, particularly for men, it's hard to have amazing sex
while feeling emotionally exposed. Our earliest experiences with being close
come from our relationships with parents. And those relationships aren't (in
any normal scenario) linked with sexual passion. That's why some husbands and
wives are open about what pleases them sexually only when they have affairs.
They feel as if they have to be free of "family" to be free with their
Having kids definitely doesn't lead to better sex
Children in the home define husbands and wives as parents first and
foremost, not lovers. That further sets the psychological cement that reminds
us we are in a family home, not a love nest. Most couples get caught up in the
momentum of deciding who's going to drive which child where, how everyone will
end up getting dinner, who's doing laundry because there's no clean underwear
for tomorrow, and more. It's hard to switch gears and end up in overdrive in
The love nest you create often feels a lot like the family nest you left
The way we behave in marriage frequently ends up resembling how we acted
with our parents and siblings rather than the way we acted on our honeymoon. We
wind up expressing jealousies transplanted from sibling rivalries, or we shut
down because we feel like we aren't getting the attention we missed as
children. And when childhood dramas take over a marriage, the spouses start to
drift apart, especially sexually, because powerful, conflicted emotions from
the past siphon any pure passion from the present.
What turns him on? You may be the last person in the world he'd tell
With all the talk about the difference between sex and intimacy, the two are
powerfully connected. That's why what moves us sexually is usually one of our
most closely guarded secrets. It's a window to our soul. In a marriage, opening
that window means being seen emotionally naked 24/7. That's why many people
don't open it at all. And that's a big loss. In working with couples for more
than 15 years, I've rarely met anyone who doesn't welcome hearing a partner's
sexual fantasies, once that person summons the courage to reveal them. I've
seen lots of people blush, but I've never seen anyone get angry.
5 ways to put the X back in married sex
Luckily, with so much passion locked inside us, there's a lot to unlock.
It's just a matter of finding the right key. For most couples, being married
makes being passionate together more difficult, not less. Admitting this is
happening is the first step toward making it stop. You can change your sex life
this week. Pick one item from this five-point plan and try it out. Have your
husband pick another for next week. You'll be on your way to married sex that
works. Trust me. Not only am I a doctor—I've been married for 12 years.
- Assume you don't know everything about each other sexually. As I've said,
very often a husband and wife can be married for many years without ever
telling each other what they find most exciting in bed. This is partly because
many people remain painfully embarrassed about their sexual needs. But it's
also because too much is at stake—namely, the emotional bond between husbands
and wives—to gamble it on fulfilling a need that might be seen as odd, selfish,
or simply beyond the comfort level of their partners for life. And after years
pass, it often becomes more and more difficult to reveal a "hidden"
desire, because it feels like introducing something very foreign into the
relationship (or admitting that you've been fibbing about your sexual desires
all that time).
- Offer up an emotionally safe way to explore each other's fantasies. The
walls separating husbands and wives romantically do not dissolve spontaneously.
They have to be dismantled piece by piece. You can start by inviting your
husband to slowly reveal aspects of his sexuality. I recommend my patients say
something relatively nonthreatening, like, "I had the craziest thought. Why
don't you tell me something you think would really surprise me about what you
wish we could do in bed? Then I promise to tell you something I think would
surprise you." Putting it that way assures the other person that you
anticipate being taken aback, and welcome it. And that means your husband
doesn't automatically have to edit out the most erotic parts of his fantasy. If
saying anything out loud is just too embarrassing for you, try putting a block
of Post-its in an envelope for him with a note that says, Leave a fantasy under
my pillow, and I'll wake you up in the middle of the night. Or send him a
special Valentine's card.
- To make sex less intimidating, turn it into a game. Ask your partner to
tell you three of his fantasies, and you get to choose one to act out. Then
it's his turn—you tell him three of yours, and he selects one. If he wants to
pick two from your list, and you take him up on that offer, he also gets one of
the two remaining fantasies on his list. Bargaining builds romantic tension.
Being playful will be a welcome reminder of how energized the two of you once
were—and could be again. As an alternative, you could simply say, "I know
you haven't told me everything you like in bed, even though we've been together
for years. So give it up: What have you been dying to do?"
- Provide examples. In order for your spouse to believe that you want to hear
his real fantasies, you'll have to prove it by giving a believable example.
Otherwise, he'll think you expect him to say something nice about you falling
asleep in his arms. Try something like this: "You know, whatever really
excites you—being tied up, pretending I'm someone else, you name it."
- Give real-life routine a rest. Monotony (not to be confused with monogamy)
is the enemy of passion. In order to see your mate as the prince, and for him
to see you as the princess, it helps to set the stage and put on the right
costume. Tell him to meet you at a restaurant for a date. Dress to impress each
other. Then surprise him with a key to a motel room or a secluded beach
cottage—no packing allowed. Even if an overnight isn't possible, you can alter
your look to be "new" for your partner. A different style of clothing
or different hairstyle or even a tiny tattoo on your ankle might trigger new
feelings in him. Being "different" for him in bed doesn't mean he won't
love you for everything you've always been outside the bedroom. But part of him
(you know which part) wants to believe he just met you. And there's nothing
wrong with your wanting to meet him for the first time too. Feel free to
suggest that a beard or more closely cropped hair might look cool on him for a
Ironically, the kind of fantasies we try to keep so private are the kind of
scenes that actually do appear in movies. That suggests that all of us have
some potential to write true romance into our lives. We just have to decide
it's time to start. My guess is you won't get too far down that road before you
notice the passion wasn't really gone from your relationship. It was just