Learn How to Reconnect Sexually
Reviewed by Varnada Karriem-Norwood on June 21, 2012
Sources
Michael Perelman, PhD, Sex and Marital Therapist, Co-director, Human Sexuality Program Clinical Assoc. Professor of Psychiatry Reproductive Medicine and Urology, N.Y. Presbyterian Hospital/Weil Cornell Medical Center
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Video Transcript
: How can couples re-connect sexually?
Michael Perelman, PhD, Sex and Marital Therapist: I think that being a little more accepting of self and thinking a little bit more, I mean the easiest thing to suggest is start treating each other more like you did when you were first dating. Now, I know that's ridiculous. My wife doesn't treat me that way. I don't treat her that way, she'd be the first one to tell you. However, to the extent that one can aspire to do that, it might just tip the balance enough because you're doing it maybe 10 more times a year, and that kind of graciousness maybe if mutually done also nets 20 times. You know something, that's a lot of interactions. That begins to make a little bit of a difference. So if you're not getting it from him, provide it, but don't make a point out of telling him how much he's doing that and he's not because that's a road to disaster and if he's really not hearing you at all, it's fine to come talk to a professional about it. So often, because we've all learned from watching all kinds of stuff on the media, Dr. Phil and everybody else, that if he doesn't really want to do it, you know, you can't make him do it. That's true. But if you're really having a problem, you can go in and talk about it, and any decent therapist is going to be able to give you some suggestions about how to reengage your spouse in a more intimate relationship, even if that spouse isn't present. It is better to be treating the couple? Yes, but it's cooperation that's key, not necessarily attendance at the session.
Narrator: So you would say then that if one or other of the partners is having problems, it's fine to go for individual therapy?
Michael Perelman, PhD, Sex and Marital Therapist: It's fine for a consultation and get a third party's objective opinion about the situation. You may find some guidance. That may continue and become an individual therapy, it may start out that way and become a couple's therapy. It may start out that way and you'll go in together and decide you'll want a referral to another person who's sort of fresh and new for both of you together. It can turn out all kinds of different ways, but what people don't want to do is stay stuck, get angry, get bitter. It's a recipe for disaster.
Michael Perelman, PhD, Sex and Marital Therapist: I think that being a little more accepting of self and thinking a little bit more, I mean the easiest thing to suggest is start treating each other more like you did when you were first dating. Now, I know that's ridiculous. My wife doesn't treat me that way. I don't treat her that way, she'd be the first one to tell you. However, to the extent that one can aspire to do that, it might just tip the balance enough because you're doing it maybe 10 more times a year, and that kind of graciousness maybe if mutually done also nets 20 times. You know something, that's a lot of interactions. That begins to make a little bit of a difference. So if you're not getting it from him, provide it, but don't make a point out of telling him how much he's doing that and he's not because that's a road to disaster and if he's really not hearing you at all, it's fine to come talk to a professional about it. So often, because we've all learned from watching all kinds of stuff on the media, Dr. Phil and everybody else, that if he doesn't really want to do it, you know, you can't make him do it. That's true. But if you're really having a problem, you can go in and talk about it, and any decent therapist is going to be able to give you some suggestions about how to reengage your spouse in a more intimate relationship, even if that spouse isn't present. It is better to be treating the couple? Yes, but it's cooperation that's key, not necessarily attendance at the session.
Narrator: So you would say then that if one or other of the partners is having problems, it's fine to go for individual therapy?
Michael Perelman, PhD, Sex and Marital Therapist: It's fine for a consultation and get a third party's objective opinion about the situation. You may find some guidance. That may continue and become an individual therapy, it may start out that way and become a couple's therapy. It may start out that way and you'll go in together and decide you'll want a referral to another person who's sort of fresh and new for both of you together. It can turn out all kinds of different ways, but what people don't want to do is stay stuck, get angry, get bitter. It's a recipe for disaster.