What is sexual coercion? What are some sexual coercion examples, and how do you ask for sexual coercion help?
Sexual coercion happens when there is unwanted sexual activity, or no sexual consent, between two persons. If someone has pressured you into sexual activity or has made you feel like you owe them a sexual favor, that is considered sexual coercion. Sexual coercion doesn’t have to be full-blown sex to count. It can be other sexual activities, too, such as inappropriate touching. People in power tend to engage in sexual coercion more than those not in power. This could include a landlord, teacher, boss, or someone who has power over you. Usually, sexual coercion happens through nonphysical, forceful behaviors, such as being pressured, tricked, or threatened into engaging in unwanted sexual activities.
Sexual Coercion Signs
Some common sexual coercion signs include someone:
- Repeatedly asking for sex, and you feeling worn down and eventually agreeing
- Tricking you into having sex by lying to you or promising you things that weren’t true
- Threatening to end a relationship with you if you don’t engage in sexual activity with them
- Threatening to spread rumors if you don’t have sex with them
- In a position of power influencing and pressuring you into engaging in sexual activity with them
- Guilted you into having sex with them
- Got you drunk enough to “loosen you up” so you’d say yes
Sexual coercion typically occurs between two individuals who already have an established relationship, such as between an employer and an employee, a landlord and a tenant, or two people involved in a romantic relationship. However, strangers can also coerce you into unwanted sexual acts.
Both men and women are at risk of sexual coercion. Sexual coercion can also occur at any age and in all types of relationships, including opposite-sex or same-sex relationships. Sometimes sexual coercion can occur at the start of a relationship, but it can also happen in a well-established relationship where the individuals have known each other for years. Sexual coercion can sometimes be resolved with communication, but other times, it can lead to abuse or trauma. In these cases, the person being sexually coerced must leave the relationship as soon and safely as possible.
Sexual Coercion Examples
Sometimes it can be difficult to identify sexual coercion, especially between romantic partners. However, feeling pressured, guilted, or tricked into sexual activity is sexual coercion, no matter who it’s between.
One example of sexual coercion is of two people who are madly in love and have been married for ten years. Person A doesn’t have the sexual libido they once had, while Person B still possesses a strong desire for sexual intercourse. Person A expresses their disinterest in sexual activities, but Person B is persistent. Person B confronts Person A with things like:
- “We’re married. It’s your obligation to have sex with me.”
- “I thought you loved me. Don’t you want me to be happy?”
- “If you don’t give me what I want, I’ll get it from someone else.”
- “This is my house, and my money pays the bills. You could at least show me some appreciation.”
All of these tactics to guilt Person A into having sex are considered sexual coercion.
A second example of sexual coercion would include two people again, Person C and Person D. Person C is Person D’s employer. In fact, Person C gave Person D the job as a “favor" and called it that from the beginning. Now Person C is ready to cash in on that “favor," so they invite Person D into their office. Person D seems embarrassed and uncomfortable at the suggestion. Person C is persistent and may say:
- “I took a chance when I gave you this job, and this is how you repay me?”
- “There are more qualified people for your job. I can easily replace you.”
- “And here I was, considering giving you a raise.”
Again, these tactics to persuade Person D into engaging in sexual activity as a necessary obligation in return for Person C giving them a job are examples of sexual coercion.
How to Set Sexual Boundaries
So, how do you establish sexual boundaries between you and another person? If the person in question is someone of power, you may feel scared to speak up or to set boundaries, but boundaries are essential and helpful.
What’s a boundary, anyway?
A boundary is an invisible line between something you’re comfortable with and something that makes you uncomfortable. For example, if someone commenting on your looks makes you uncomfortable, you would politely ask the person to stop, and a boundary would be created between you and that person. That person knows what makes you uncomfortable, and continuing to engage in that activity would be crossing the boundary.
Sexual boundaries include:
- The way someone touches you
- How someone views your body
- How you’re treated in sexual situations
- What you’re comfortable doing to and with others
How do you set boundaries? Communicate. Let people know what’s okay and what’s not okay, and what makes you uncomfortable vs. what makes you comfortable. Let them know if you don’t like being touched in a certain spot. This could include not liking being hugged or touching the arm, shoulder, or thigh.
Don’t be afraid to speak up, even when you’re already engaging in sexual activity. If you don’t like a certain type of activity, such as anal or oral sex, let your partner know and create a boundary for those activities.
Sexual Coercion Help
Sexual coercion is always wrong and, in many places, against the law. If you’re being pressured into sexual activity, you have two options: speak up or leave. Remember, none of this is your fault, and if a relationship ends due to sexual coercion, then it wasn’t a relationship worth having. It is always better to end a relationship or to risk hurting someone else’s feelings than to be pressured into performing sexual acts that you feel uncomfortable with or aren’t willing to do.
If you find yourself involved in a sexual coercion situation that involves someone who holds power over you, such as a landlord or boss, you should leave the situation as safely and as quickly as you can. Many individuals struggle with reporting sexual coercion or assault, but if you can, you should report the sexual coercion attempt to the local authorities. Also, always call 911 if there’s immediate danger.
Confronting the person trying to coerce you can be dangerous, especially if you confront them alone. However, if you’re in a public setting with an easy way out, it may be safe to confront the coercer. In this case, you can verbally respond to their coercion by saying something like:
- “I’m feeling uncomfortable. Can you please stop doing that?”
- “You should respect that I don’t want sex with you.”
- “I don’t owe you sex or any sort of favors.”
- “Let’s discuss something else.”
- “This isn’t negotiable.”
- “This conversation isn’t appropriate, and I don’t feel comfortable engaging in it further."
- “I said no. Please respect that.”
You must be clear with the coercer. Explain to them how you feel and what you feel uncomfortable with. If the person persists and doesn’t give up, excuse yourself from the situation.
If you’ve been sexually coerced, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline for help at 800-656-HOPE, or 800-656-4673. Since sexual coercion is against the law, you can file a sexual harassment complaint with your local authorities. If your coercer was your teacher, landlord, or boss, then the sexual coercion has gone against the school, rental, and workplace policies.