What to Know About Having a Threesome

Medically Reviewed by Jabeen Begum, MD on March 21, 2024
Written by Shayan Kashani
8 min read

A threesome, also known as a trio or ménage à trois (French for a household of three), is when three people have sex together. It's not the same as group sex, which generally refers to sex acts involving four or more people at the same time.

The way people feel about threesomes varies widely based on their experiences, ideas they have about sex, and cultural influences. While the idea is exciting for some, it's scary or unappealing to others.

Understanding the dynamics of a healthy three-way, and the potential risks and benefits, can help you decide whether you might be interested in trying one or if this type of sexual exploration isn't for you.

Participants can be any combination of genders, sexes, and sexual preferences. You may hear terms such as MMF (referring to two men and one woman) or FFM (two women and one man) used to describe them.

The actual sex acts that happen during a threesome are unique to each situation and could range from phone sex to intercourse. Every trio determines its own rules and boundaries according to their desires and comfort levels. 

The following sexual practices or lifestyles might involve threesomes. 

Swinging

Swinging is an old term, but many people still use it. It refers to romantic partners (married or not) who both choose to have sex with other couples and singles. It may involve "swapping" partners or group sex as well as threesomes.

Polyamory

Polyamory is a lifestyle in which you have multiple sexual or emotional relationships. You might be in a group relationship with 3 or more people, or be involved in several relationships at a time. It differs from monogamy , in which two partners agree to be intimate only with each other. 

Open marriage or relationship

In an open marriage or relationship, both spouses or partners agree that it's OK to date or have sex with others. They might have sex with others as a couple, or each have a relationship in addition to the one they have together.

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM)

CNM is an umbrella term that describes a range of relationship and sex practices in which people have more than one sexual partner and each sexual partner is aware of the others. All of the types of relationships listed above are types of CNM. Openness and honesty about other partners is what makes CNM different from cheating (or infidelity).

Remember that talking about sexual behavior can be tricky. While a sexual term might have a certain meaning for you, it could mean something entirely different to your partner or a potential partner. So before you agree to any of these types of relationships, make sure you're all on the same page.

 

Many people fantasize about threesomes, research has found. About 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasized about having one, according to one survey. Most of the men surveyed reported that threesomes are their No. 1 sexual fantasy. 

Relatively few people follow through with this fantasy, though. Another study found that only 10% of women and 18% of men have actually had threesome sex. 

Another study of heterosexual men and women found that people who've had threesomes tended to see them as positive experiences, especially men. People who had one that involved a committed romantic partner were more likely to have a positive view about the encounter. Another study that included members of sexual minority groups (such as LGBTQ+ people) found they had more favorable attitudes toward threesomes than straight people.

For some people, a threesome can be a way to explore new modes of sexuality, please a partner, spice up a relationship, or satisfy a sexual fantasy. Over 80% of people who've had one said that it was a onetime experience and mainly a means of satisfying their curiosity.

Some potential positive effects include improved communication and a stronger bond between partners, provided they share their thoughts and feelings openly before, during, and after the encounter. Threesomes can also lead to compersion, which is when you feel happy that your partner is enjoying their time with another person. Some people get sexual pleasure from watching their partner have sex with someone else (scientists call this troilism) or from seeing other people have sex (voyeurism). 

They may also have benefits for those who want to explore bisexuality or homosexuality. In some cases, they may help people overcome inhibitions that interfere with sexual performance.

If you're in a relationship that isn't strong to begin with, a threesome may do more harm than good. It could result in feelings of jealousy and insecurity, especially if the participants don't thoroughly discuss their boundaries and expectations ahead of time. And there's always a risk that sex can lead to emotional attachment, even when you don't expect it to.  

If you agree to a three-way mostly to please a partner, you could end up feeling guilty or resentful. Make sure you're clear on your own feelings about it before moving ahead.  

Also, any kind of consensual non-monogamy still carries a stigma in society. Research shows that many people see these relationships as low-quality or immoral. 

As with any sexual encounter, it's important to practice safe sex. There's no scientific evidence that the risk of sexually transmitted diseases is higher in people who engage in mixed-gender threesomes than in those who don't. But research shows that the risk of HIV transmission in same-sex encounters involving more than 2 men is considerably higher. 

Practicing safe sex is a bit more complicated when 3 people are involved. You'll need to use a different condom or latex shield for each partner, and use new ones if you switch back and forth between partners. The same goes for sex toys, if you use them. Discuss how you'll keep sex safe--and what type of birth control you'll use--before you get started. 

A threesome is a complicated type of sexual behavior that can take many different forms. It might include a committed couple and a friend they know well, or 3 casual acquaintances. It might be a long-planned tactic to add sexual variety to a relationship, or a fairly spontaneous way to explore a sexual fantasy. 

If you're considering having one, here are some important things to keep in mind:

Have a plan. A threesome probably isn't going to happen out of the blue, so it's important to plan ahead. First, make sure everyone agrees on potential partners. It's important that you feel comfortable with one another. Once you know who'll be involved, you can figure out the logistics of where and when to have the encounter, discuss safety, and negotiate ground rules that all participants can agree on--whether it's no penetration, no kissing, or what to do if you're feeling excluded. You might find it even beneficial to discuss sex positions and preferences ahead of time.

Talk about it. This is the most important step to avoiding potential drawbacks. The more openly you discuss your fantasies, desires, likes, and dislikes, the more likely you are to avoid disappointment and hurt feelings. Also, communication doesn't end when the action starts. Keep talking during and after the encounter to make sure everyone is happy with the experience and feeling safe. 

Be on the same page. Consent is an ongoing process, and it involves all three participants. Never pressure a partner to take part. If they're uncomfortable, look for another way to spice up your sex life, such as with role-playing or sex toys. Remember that any member of the trio has the right to stop participating at any time. Also, agreeing to have one three-way encounter doesn't mean they're obliged to do it again.  

 

A successful and ethical sexual encounter leaves everyone involved feeling positive and safe. Here are some ways to make sure that happens--and some things you should avoid.

What to do

Set boundaries. All threemembers should make clear which physical or emotional acts are a "hard no" for them. Maybe that's seeing your partner kiss someone else, or being treated as just a sex object. 

Have a safe word. Before you get started, agree on a safe word or phrase that any one of the trio can say when they don't want to do something, want to stop doing something, or leave the encounter. Those who are part of a couple might choose a different safe word to say when they're uncomfortable with what's happening between their partner and the other participant. 

Have a plan for safe sex and contraception. All three parties should discuss their sexually transmitted disease (STD) status ahead of time, as well as how you'll keep sex safe and what birth control you'll use, if needed. Make sure you have plenty of condoms or latex barriers on hand.

What not to do

Don't expect a threesome to fix relationship problems. If you have issues with communication, jealousy, or sexual compatibility, having a three-way will probably just make these differences worse. Before you plan one, think hard about whether your relationship can handle it.

Don't have contact with the third party without your partner's consent. If you have a threesome together with your partner in a committed relationship, don't meet with the other person behind your partner's back. That's cheating, not polyamory.  

Don't treat the third partner like a sex toy. If you're part of a threesome couple, don't expect the third partner to simply conform to your boundaries and meet your needs. They should be fully involved in making decisions about the encounter, which means you and your partner may need to compromise on some issues.

 

 

 

A threesome is when three people have sex together. The participants can be any combination of genders, sexes, and sexual preferences. If you're considering one, remember that communication, consent, and safety are key.  

How do you ask for a threesome?

If you want to ask your partner to take part in a threesome, start with an honest conversation. It should be in a setting where you won't be interrupted, and at a time when neither of you is feeling stressed. Make it clear that you value them and your relationship, and be open about the reasons you want to have a three-way. Give them some time to process your request, and be prepared for the possibility that they may reject the idea. 

How do you find a third partner?

Many couples use dating sites to seek partners for threesomes. Whether you meet online or in person, you'll probably want to ask them on a date with you and your partner so you can see whether you're all compatible. It's important to be up-front about what you're looking for, whether it's casual sex or an ongoing relationship. Some couples ask an acquaintance to join them for sex. In that case, it's probably best not to choose someone who's an ex or close friend of one member of the couple.