Talking about sex isn’t what it used to be a couple of generations ago. Many of the sexual stigmas from the past are starting to disappear, and more people are open to discussing and exploring their sexuality.
Threesomes used to be one such sexual stigma, but now, more couples are openly discussing and exploring them. You’re probably familiar with the idea of threesomes, even if you aren’t sure how you feel about them yet. Most peoples’ feelings about threesomes vary based on their personal experiences, preconceived notions, and cultural influence.
There’s no simple answer when deciding to have a threesome. While the idea might be exciting for some, it could just be as scary or unappealing to others.
However, understanding the dynamics of a healthy threesome, the reasons for its appeal, and its potential risks and benefits can help you decide whether you’re ready for your first threesome or if this area of sexual exploration isn’t for you.
What Is a Threesome?
A threesome — also known as a trio or ménage à trois (French for a household of three) — is a sexual act in which three people engage in explicit sexual behavior with each other simultaneously.
Participants in a threesome can be any combination of genders, sexes, and sexualities. You may, however, come across the terms MMF (referring to two men and one woman) or FFM (referring to two women and one man) when you research threesomes.
The specific sexual acts during the threesome are unique to each situation. Every trio determines its own rules and boundaries according to the participants' desires and levels of personal comfort of its.
The term “threesome” differs from the term “group sex,” which refers to sex acts involving four or more people.
Relationships That Might Lead to Threesomes
Talking about sexual behavior can sometimes be tricky if the terminology is unclear. While a sexual term might have a particular meaning for you, it could have an entirely different meaning for your potential sexual partner.
The following terms refer to lifestyles that might involve threesomes. Understanding these terms is the first step to knowing how most threesomes come about.
Swinging. Swinging is a fairly old term, but many couples still use it today. It refers to sexual partners (married or not) who like to have sex with other couples and singles. This could be in the form of group sex, but it may also involve threesomes.
Polyamory. Polyamory is a lifestyle in which you, your partner, or both may be sexually and intimately involved with others. This differs from monogamy — where both partners agree to be intimate only with each other. For people in polyamorous relationships, sexual intimacy is permissible between people who are just friends rather than partners. This interplay between friendship and intimacy may lead to threesomes.
Open Marriage or Relationship. In an open marriage or relationship, the two spouses or partners are allowed to have sex with someone other than their spouse. An open marriage could lead to a threesome in which the couple has sex with one person.
Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM). CNM refers to a range of relational and sexual practices where people have more than one sexual partner and each sexual partner is explicitly aware of the others. All the terms listed above can be categorized as CNM types. Openness is key to distinguishing CNM from cheating (or infidelity) since honesty is the foundation of consensual non-monogamy.
What Do People Think About Threesomes?
The desire for a threesome is typically stronger among men — about 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasized about having a threesome. Most men report that threesomes are their number-one sexual fantasy.
Still, a very small percentage of people actually follow through with their desire for a threesome. A recent study indicates that only 10% of women and 18% of men have experienced a threesome firsthand.
The question that seems to sway most people’s interest in threesomes is the question of who the third partner will be. For both men and women, the idea of having a threesome involving someone familiar (a friend or acquaintance) instead of a stranger raises their opinion of it.
Threesomes still carry a cultural stigma, along with the prevalent double standard where women who’ve had a threesome are perceived more negatively than men who’ve done the same.
Are There Any Benefits to Having a Threesome?
A threesome can be a way to explore new modes of sexuality, please your partner, spice up your relationship, and satisfy your sexual fantasies. Over 80% of people who’ve had a threesome also said that it was a one-time experience and mainly a means of feeding their curiosity.
Threesomes can bring improved communication among partners, strengthen their bond, and preserve the specialness of their relationship. Threesomes can also lead to comparison, which is when someone gets pleasure from the idea of their partner being with someone else.
Some research supports surprising and positive psychological benefits. For example, threesomes can also be a means of normalizing homosexuality and homoerotic tendencies and addressing inhibitions in sexual performance.
How to Have Your First Threesome
Now that you understand the term, you may be wondering how to have a threesome.
There are many ways to initiate or have your first threesome. However, if you are considering having one with your partner, here are some important things to keep in mind:
Talk about it. This is the most important. Have honest communication with your partner before you engage in your first threesome. The more openly you discuss your fantasies and desires, the more likely you’re to avoid jealousy and hurt down the line. Also, communication doesn’t start and end before the threesome — some couples find it beneficial to continue communicating their feelings during and after a threesome.
Have a plan. Your first threesome isn’t likely to happen out of the blue, so it’s important for you and your partner to plan ahead. Talk about your potential partners, figure out the logistics of where and when to have the threesome, discuss safety, and negotiate ground rules that make all participants comfortable. You might find it even beneficial to discuss threesome positions ahead of time.
Be on the same page. A healthy threesome can only happen when both partners give consent. You might want to initiate a threesome, but your partner might not be interested. Respect the boundaries of your partner and don’t pressure them. Instead, explore your partner's desires. If your partner is generally unresponsive to sex, it may indicate insecurity or something lacking in the relationship. Instead of a threesome, try spicing up your relationship with role-playing or toys.
What Are the Potential Risks of a Threesome?
People tend to assume that threesomes lead to feelings of romantic jealousy, but this is a misconception. Jealousy, commitment issues, and relationship dissatisfaction are just as likely to come up in monogamous relationships.
Nevertheless, anybody trying a threesome for the first time should be mindful of safety. The practice of safe sex in a threesome is no different than safe sex between monogamous couples. Trust any new partners you introduce into your relationship and that they understand the rules of safe sex.
Currently, no data indicate that sexually transmitted diseases occur at a higher rate in people who engage in mixed-gender threesomes than in those who don’t. However, the risk of HIV transmission during same-sex threesomes involving men has increased considerably.