10 Secrets to a Better Love Life
Too much boredom in your bedroom? Revitalize your sex life with these 10 tips.
Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the
briefer and more businesslike their sexual encounters can become.
Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighborhood. When you
move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the
supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest
route and only take that one. No more meandering. The same thing happens to
couples as they become more familiar with each other sexually.
But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what
you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination -- and only the obvious
parts of the anatomy -- is the worst thing you can do, he says.
"The best sex emerges from whole body sensuality --
leisurely, playful, creative," says Castleman. "It has no real
direction, a little of this, a little of that."
Castleman argues that men especially have a tendency to go too
fast, something that's encouraged by the down-and-dirty efficiency of sex in
pornography. But Castleman says that many men find that their sexual problems
-- such as premature ejaculation -- subside when they learn to take their
"Leisurely love-making benefits everyone," says
Castleman. "Women get more turned on and enjoy sex more, while men have
fewer sexual problems and feel more confident about themselves in bed.
Don't Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing
According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common
questions they get is, "How much should we be doing it?" The question
implies that the answer is obvious: more than I am now.
Feeling like you "should" be having a better love life
is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the
self-help section of the bookstore, and the constancy of articles about sex
advertised on magazine covers at the checkout counter (or why so many people
click on articles with titles like, say, "10 Secrets to a Better Love
Castleman observes that the culture we live in -- and
especially its films, whether Hollywood romances or pornography -- encourages
us to think that we're not living up.
So how often "should" you have sex? "There's no
answer to that," says Weston. "Stop trying to decide how much sex you
should have and decide how much you want."
Having a better sex life will take some work. It's like this:
for many people, life is an unremitting guerilla war with those extra 10 pounds
that ambush you when you're not paying attention. In the same way, people can
fall into a sexual rut, a "blah" love life, unless they're making an
effort to keep things exciting.
You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at
a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call and rambling
answering machine message from your mother-in-law. Or maybe the aromatic
candles make you sneeze violently. Trying something new is always putting you
at risk of failure.