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10 Secrets to a Better Love Life

Too much boredom in your bedroom? Revitalize your sex life with these 10 tips.

Go Slowly

Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the briefer and more businesslike their sexual encounters can become.

Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighborhood. When you move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest route and only take that one. No more meandering. The same thing happens to couples as they become more familiar with each other sexually.

But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination -- and only the obvious parts of the anatomy -- is the worst thing you can do, he says.

"The best sex emerges from whole body sensuality -- leisurely, playful, creative," says Castleman. "It has no real direction, a little of this, a little of that."

Castleman argues that men especially have a tendency to go too fast, something that's encouraged by the down-and-dirty efficiency of sex in pornography. But Castleman says that many men find that their sexual problems -- such as premature ejaculation -- subside when they learn to take their time.

"Leisurely love-making benefits everyone," says Castleman. "Women get more turned on and enjoy sex more, while men have fewer sexual problems and feel more confident about themselves in bed. Everybody wins."

Don't Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing

According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common questions they get is, "How much should we be doing it?" The question implies that the answer is obvious: more than I am now.

Feeling like you "should" be having a better love life is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the self-help section of the bookstore, and the constancy of articles about sex advertised on magazine covers at the checkout counter (or why so many people click on articles with titles like, say, "10 Secrets to a Better Love Life.")

Castleman observes that the culture we live in -- and especially its films, whether Hollywood romances or pornography -- encourages us to think that we're not living up.

So how often "should" you have sex? "There's no answer to that," says Weston. "Stop trying to decide how much sex you should have and decide how much you want."

Keep Trying

Having a better sex life will take some work. It's like this: for many people, life is an unremitting guerilla war with those extra 10 pounds that ambush you when you're not paying attention. In the same way, people can fall into a sexual rut, a "blah" love life, unless they're making an effort to keep things exciting.

You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call and rambling answering machine message from your mother-in-law. Or maybe the aromatic candles make you sneeze violently. Trying something new is always putting you at risk of failure.

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