There's no drama, no fighting. You've been together for years, raised kids
and pets. The love is still there, but the spark just isn't. As months drift
into years, you realize: You're in a sexless marriage.
Most married couples don't really know what to expect of a long-term
relationship, says Diane Solee, MSW, a former marriage counselor who is the
founder and director of Smartmarriages.com. She is also director of the
Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education.
By Hugh O'NeilOne husband learns he's not the stuff his wife's fantasies are made of.
Will his pride (and their marriage) survive?
My wife and I were in bed one night, watching folksinger James Taylor on the
tube, when my world was changed forever. "Now, he's my type,"
Jody purred hungrily.
"Pardon me, doll?" I said, sure I'd heard her wrong.
"He's my type," she repeated, suddenly aware of what she'd said and
how she'd said it.
"Your type?" I croaked.
"Yeah, you know, all tall and lanky,"...
"It's so normal to hit the doldrums. In a way, you should be smug
about it," Solee tells WebMD. "You have a partner who is not bringing
drama into your life. You're not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes.
You are in a very good place. Realizing all that, your job is to get out of the
doldrums. You may have gotten into a rut."
There's more at stake than simply boredom. Very often, couples are headed
toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage -- and possibly divorce, says Pepper
Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at
the University of Washington in Seattle.
Schwartz is on the Health Advisory Board at WebMD, and author of several
books including Prime: Adventures and Advice about Sex, Love, and the
Signs you're in the marital doldrums: "You're leading parallel lives,
and don't see each other anymore," she tells WebMD. "You tell
everything important to your friends but not to each other. Those are really
big problems, and you've got to tend to them."
A sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless
marriage, Schwartz adds. "If you're bitchy, if you treat each other with
contempt, it's a warning sign. It may not happen all the time, but it happens
often. It's because people start to feel neglected, disappointed. They had
expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they'd hoped
In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment,
Schwartz explains. "Those deeper feelings have to be dealt with. I'm not
talking about deep therapy; it can happen in one or two visits. But there has
to be a refocusing on the relationship... a renewal of what this marriage is
supposed to be."