Are You Spouses or Just Roommates?
You've drifted into a sexless marriage. Can this relationship be saved? Yes, experts say.
Put Sex on the Schedule
If you're both on the same page, it's time you put sex on the schedule.
Think of it as exercise, your regular workout -- whatever time of day you
choose. After all, sexual health is an important part of general health, Foley
"It's a very healthy thing for a partnership, there's no question about
that," she tells WebMD. "People who have sex tend to feel closer, more
When you're over 40, there's definitely a "use it or lose it" aspect
to sex, she adds. "That means you have to do it every day. You have to be
committed to intimate time together. That doesn't mean every single time you
take off your clothes and have sex. But set aside time just for the two of
Fall in Love Again
Outside the bedroom, you must make time for each other. "If you're
bored, you can figure your partner is probably bored, too," says Solee.
"Think what would put excitement into your life. Take responsibility for
doing something about it. You really owe it to yourself."
Take a cooking class together, take up kayaking or dancing -- or sign up for
a sex workshop, she advises. "Share each other's interests. Find new
interests together. Single people can follow their own interests. You don't
want to send your partner off to a class alone. Mother Nature abhors the
doldrums, so don't let someone else fill it."
Trying something new requires a lot of focus -- and that's good for your sex
life. "It's like when you had kids, or bought your first house. People
actually fall in love again."
Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says. "The
phone is turned off, the dog is behind the door. You get into bed with an
attitude of good will. You don't have to have an attitude of 'complete hot.'
That's a big misconception."
Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you're over
40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. "When we're 20,
it's all pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm. After age 40, you
need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it -- then you
start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which
increases more arousal."
Also, your mind-set changes. "As men get older, they get more focused on
eroticism," she says. "They're much more interested in pleasure, in
having the connection. Women start asking for what they want."
Couples should also develop a "sexual style," Solee tells WebMD.
"Most people think that if they've found a lover and soul mate, the sex
will be great. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. This is
about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them, intimately.
Marital sex can be hotter if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your