Living With Anorexia: Carré Otis
The supermodel's bout with poor self-image and anorexia led to emotional breakdowns and finally heart surgery at age 30.
Addicted to Denying Food continued...
Later, as my disease progressed, it took many shapes and there was nothing I wouldn't try in an attempt to control my body. From starvation to bingeing to laxative abuse, cocaine, diet pills, thyroid medication, vomiting, and obsessive exercise patterns, it all became like a program I rotated through.
One day in Paris I had an amazing photo shoot for Vogue magazine. I had been up all night and was terrified that I would look fat and not fit into anything. The morning of the shoot I had a panic attack and in a state of hysteria and self-loathing I raked my face and body with my fingernails, opening the skin and drawing blood.
I was tremendously ashamed that I was so out of control. The saddest memory for me was that the shoot was already planned and money was at stake so I was covered up with makeup, no questions asked, and put in front of the camera. I had a job to do and that was that.
I later saw those photos and was astonished at the image I saw. I had thought I was too fat to shoot the pictures but in reality I was under 100 pounds.
By that point, I felt insane. My mind was unable to be still yet I had an absolute inability to focus on any subject for any period of time. I slept when I should have been awake and felt wired when it was time to rest. I was depressed and manic and exhausted in every way. I was prone to bouts of hysteria and crying that were impossible for me to control. My life and mind were out of hand. My body was spiraling into a danger zone.
Finally, Anorexia Takes Its Toll
Just as I was turning 30 I got an offer to shoot Sports Illustrated. I was touted as being the "oldest" girl to be in the pages of such an issue, and interviewed with major news and magazines on this premise. To get myself in shape I over-trained and under-ate.