Having a chronic illness such as diabetes, arthritis, or multiple sclerosis can take a toll on even the best relationship. The partner who's sick may not feel the way he or she did before the illness. And the person who's not sick may not know how to handle the changes. The strain may push both people's understanding of "in sickness and in health" to its breaking point.
Studies show that marriages in which one spouse has a chronic illness are more likely to fail if the spouses are young. And spouses who are caregivers are six times more likely to be depressed than spouses who do not need to be caregivers.
By Keith Ablow, M.D.
Rekindling Passion For The Husband You Still Love
People sometimes tell me they know a couple married 20 years whose sex life
is still as good as it ever was. Here's what I tell them in return: "There
are only three possibilities. One: This couple is lying. Two: They are telling
the truth, because they didn't have good sex to begin with. Or three: Sex is
all they really have together. They never connected emotionally."
I've drawn that conclusion by listening...
Clinical psychologist Rosalind Kalb, vice president of the professional resource center at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, says, "Even in the best marriages, it's hard. You feel trapped, out of control, and helpless."
But with patience and commitment, there are ways you and your partner can deal with the strain a chronic illness can place on your relationship.
Relationships can suffer when people don't discuss problems that have no easy or obvious solution, Kalb says. And that lack of discussion can lead to feelings of distance and a lack of intimacy.
"Finding ways to talk openly about challenges," she says, "is the first step toward effective problem-solving and the feelings of closeness that come from good teamwork."
Marybeth Calderone has limited use of her legs and hands because of a neurological disorder called Charcot-Marie-Tooth. Her husband Chris says that figuring out when to communicate is his biggest challenge.
"My wife gets frustrated with herself when she can't do things, like organize our 8-year-old daughter's desk," he says. "A lot of times, I'm not sure if Marybeth is angry at me or with her condition. Often, I try to figure it out on my own and don't say anything.”
The right level of communication is key. Boston College social work professor Karen Kayser says, "If the couple is consumed with talking about the illness, that's a problem. If they never talk about it, it's also a problem. You have to find a middle ground."